For some reason my past has been on my mind alot lately.  I will admit recently I did see an ex of mine in the mall and literally hid so that he wouldn’t see me.  So immature but, it’s what I felt I had to do.  I am so uncomfortable with myself these days that I literally don’t want to be seen.  I stay in as much as possible and only go out when absolutely necessary.  So obviously no dating or social life at all.  But, even though I have always seen myself married, I have no desire to date or go through the whole dating process. At 38, I guess I have given up on meeting a man that I will call my husband.  I look around and women my age are independent, career minded, financially secure, focused and established.  I, on the other hand am not independent nor am I career minded or established.  I am however very focused and on my way to being financially independent.  But, one thing remains, a chronic illness called lupus.  For the most part most men aren’t jumping at a chance to date a women with an illness that drains her of her energy and more so than not needs help getting around.  I just don’t want to compete with what’s out there, it’s a losing battle.  I can’t tell you the last time I wore heels or a dress.  Dressing up for me is a pair of slacks and a loose fitting blouse and crocs, yes crocs, along with lupus I suffer from a number of other medical problems and unfortunately my ankles swell and only crocs can accommodate the swelling, sexy right. Honestly, I have accepted that this is my life and the thing is I am alone but, I am not lonely and that is a blessing.  I have family around me and family far away that let me know they are there for me always.  Does it bother me that the majority of everyone I went to high school and college with are married with children…it used to but, their lives are theirs and not mine to have, at least not now.  I used to think that happiness was gadged on whether or not you married well and the number of kids you have.  That changed for me when I was in a hospital and got test results negative for colon cancer, now that is happyness!!!  Being ill has made me look and approach life in a different way.  What I need to feel complete is extremely different from what I thought 10 years ago.  I used to always say a prayer for my husband wherever he may be at that time in his life and pray that our paths were closer to crossing.  I don’t say that any longer, me, Erika, is in my prayers, my health and well being, remaining positive despite what can and will be thrown at me and the pain I have to endure.  God knows the desires of my heart, I will work on me and be the best me that I can and I truly believe everything else that is meant to be will be.


One thought on “Happyness

  1. Erika…I look at your pics and ALL I see is BEAUTY!!!! You don’t need to run and hide from ANYONE!!!! Keep Smiling and Keep Shining!!!! Love Ya!!!! : -)

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