Why

I guess we aren’t supposed to ask why, when we are handed a situation in our lives. It is so hard not to, but I think it’s ok to wonder. In 2011, after tearing my acl in my right knee, I was fired after 15 years of employment with my company.  Thereafter had 3 additional surgeries on that knee and I am finally back  almost 100%. Just when all seems well and getting back to normal I rupture a tendon in my left foot that needs surgery or will get progressively worse over time. In addition to all of this, I am being told by my gynecologist that a hysterectomy is in my near future due to lupus. Now this is hard to swallow, not that I want children, but at 40 years young, I thought my equipment would stay in place for a bit longer.  I have always heard that you are never given more than you can handle in this life. I wonder, as months go by, and more things are added to my medical plate, I wonder, but I don’t ask why, because that response is always, why not!

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SUCKS!!!

Life is NOT funny. I am seriously not laughing. I am going to be 40 on April 2nd and I have been working on getting my credit together to purchase my first home. Everything looked great, had approval, down payment, everything covered. But LUPUS, had to have its say. I deal with this so there are few
surprises but this was completely unexpected. I take 14 pills a day and insulin. This is my first year on Medicare and thankfully meds copays labs tests are very reasonable. So to move forward with purchasing a home was a go. But then a notice in the mail changes everything. My insulin will be increasing from 45$ to 265$ a month. As it turns out, my meds are in stages and once you pay a certain amount you move to the next stage, in which I pay 72% and Medicare pays 28%, in the present stage it is just the reverse. So this will obviously cause me to not be able to pay monthly expenses. I feel so defeated and I cryed, well I actually sobbed, but once I dried my eyes and was comforted I know it will work out. I may not get my home this year, but I will own a home. It is so odd, every time I make efforts towards either buying or renting my plans are blocked. I am believing God is setting me up for a HUGE blessing. That thought helps me remain positive. Whether it does or not, he has a plan for me and my life.

Thankful for Lupus??

I worked for 15 years with my employer before being let go in 2011. Those years I worked hard and though my work was not always consistent because of my illness I gave it my all. I have now been on disability for about 7 months and I bring home more than I did working PT at my former employee. With this I was sure I would be able to find an apartment to rent with no problem. WRONG WRONG WRONG. I am specific in the part of town I would like to reside, I need to be near my doctors and their hospitals. Needless to say, the apartments in this area are extremely high and would take more than half of what I bring home monthly. Frustrated beyond belief I gave up and figured I would live with my parents the rest of my life. I am blessed that that is an option but upset that that is my only option. Then I thought, why not buy? Well, surely I can’t buy if I can’t afford to rent but surprisingly a mortgage payment is significantly lower than rent. So I am looking at condos, which is a better option for me than a house, on the internet. They are very reasonable but not quite updated to my liking, but you have to start somewhere. So I am looking in the same general area and there is nothing in my price range that I can afford and that is move in ready. I just don’t get it, I worked so hard for 15 years and saved my money and now I can’t even buy a nice 2 BR condo. With the HOA, taxes, insurance, warranty, water, utilities, co-pays, prescriptions it’s drained me of my monthly SSD benefit. And on top of that since I worked all those years and have a 401k I don’t qualify for Medicaid, which would shave off my co-pays and prescriptions significantly, and would allow me to be able to purchase a condo and handle my monthly expenses. I guess if I had been lazy and didn’t work I could just live off the system, but isn’t that what is trying to be avoided. I am being penalized for working hard and being responsible with my money. It sucks, it really does. At this point I am going to invest some of my savings and hope that it grows over the next year and within the meantime stay where I am, with my parents. UGH!!! Don’t get me wrong, but I will be 40 on April 2 and I was honestly moving out now matter what for my 40th year, even if I had to move back on my 41st. What sense does that make, I would have to dip into my savings to cover rent every month and to me that is throwing away money and I don’t have money to throw away. So I will wait, be patient and hope that something bigger and better is coming my way. I guess, I got so excited at the possibility of a condo I just ran with it. To purchase it is possible but to maintain monthly expenses is not. It’s not the end of the world, though right now, as I type, it seems like it. But I have faith and I trust I am being lead in the right direction. On another note, I will be having foot surgery on March 31 to repair a ruptured tendon that is caused by my lupus. So I am finally recovered from my total knee replacement on my right knee and now the left foot is in need of correction. I remember praying that I would just be pain free, that is all, even If I couldn’t walk, just to be out of pain. Well that prayer was answered, it took some time, but I can say, I am about 90% pain free. Thank you Jesus. But I said that for my knee at the time, not knowing that the foot would follow 4 months later. I have no idea the pain level that this surgery will cause. On the pain scale of 1-10, my knee surgery had me at 20, it was the absolute worst pain I have ever felt in my life. I am hopeful that if this is as painful I will handle it better because I am somewhat prepared for what it will be and that it will get better. This will make my life better and my overall mobility better and if it’s not corrected will just get worse over time. I am thankful that I have the medical insurance to get this done and that I have parents and a sister that are able to help me recover. I am truly blessed. I have things that I want to do and accomplish. I feel as though I am getting my body, limbs ready to tackle these goals. God is preparing my body, physically to do what I want and need to do. Be more social, be more independent, get a part time job, move out. This is all in my future and it will happen in his time not my own. I have to be patient and he will lead me down the path, which has many detours but will get me to my heart’s desire in life. Where I will be happy and content, feel accomplished and smile everyday. I have been through a lot health wise and I am doing well and will continue to do well, I have faith and confidence in that. Yes this is a set back, but that is one thing that I am used to, I am used to bad test results, I am used to abnormal test results, I am used to going to a routine doctor appointment and having to go directly to the hospital, this is my life, and I must say I don’t hate it because it is mine, it is what God has given me so how could I hate that? I don’t understand it and I never will but, I don’t hate it. I am thankful for it, it has taught me to pay attention to my body, to listen and be observant of things going on inside my body. It slowed me down at a time in my life where I was making some very reckless mistakes. Living in my early 20’s as if I was not susceptible to getting ill or harmed. It was a wake up call for my life. So for that I am thankful. God showed me that he is looking out for me and has my back. If I really think about it lupus, for me, is a beautiful thing. Yes, it is painful, unpredictable, hard to treat, and tests the best doctors. But for me despite all of that it is my speed bump, my detour, it caused me to slow down and go a completely different direction in my life. For that I am thankful.