I haven’t had many relationships in my life. But I must say that the ones I have had have been to great guys. In high school, college, after college, and into adulthood. One thing that is the common denominator is me and my drama filled personality in all of the relationships. This most probably led to the demise of each one. With social media, Facebook, Instagram, I get to see how they have moved on and are all happily married. It saddens me to an extent that I have never had a man get on his knee and want to spend the rest of their life with me at 40 years old. I have friends that have been married 3x, what did they do to get 3 men to propose, when at this point I can’t pay a man to take me out. I am getting to a point to where I am over it. I know that my life is as a single woman with no children. It used to make me sad, but now it doesn’t and that is because I have accepted it. I go through a lot on a daily basis and to expect a man to fit into my life will be difficult. I am not an active person because of my health, I am sick a lot and this isn’t a person that men are lining up to be with. My looks have faded as I have gotten older so it is what it is. I am scarred all over my body from surgeries, procedures, picc lines, ivs, and side effects of medicines that make me bruise so easily it looks as though I am in a physical fight on a regular basis. This isn’t meant to be a sad or negative post. It is honest. I am beyond blessed with what I have in this life and I am content with that. I used to think that my life couldn’t be complete without a husband and kids to call my own. I now know that is not true. I see what my ex’s have and I wish them the best but, that is their life not mine. I see my classmates with husbands and children but once again their life not mine. God has given me so much more than I need and at one time it wasn’t enough because it wasn’t what I thought I needed. What I have is enough, more than enough and I am grateful. Yes, every single man that I have ever dated is married with children and that is fine for them and I hope they all are very happy. My life is my life and is for me. It took me a long time to get to this place but I am so glad and proud of myself that I am here now.
I look at celebrities ok, I am not going to lie, specifically, Kim K and I wish I had her circumstances. Let me clarify, I would not want to go out and be photographed everyday and have to feel as though I have to look perfect all of the time. I want the perfection of getting and having everything you want. I assume she works hard. She has businesses but the reward of the life she leads is what I wish for. All the millions is not necessary but to not wonder how mortgage and medical bills, and just everyday expenses is what I want. I guess I look at her because she seems to not have a care in the world. She seems to come from a lovely family and now a husband and a child. She travels all over the world and has the best of the best, in my opinion. I am sure she has her issues, but to me all of my issues stem from not being able to pay for what I need, not want, but need. I don’t play the lottery or gamble but I feel as though I will have what I need one way or another, I have faith. I guess I envy her life to some degree, but my life is my life and to want someone else’s is showing that I am not grateful for the life God has given me. My life has made me who I am, as hers has made her who she is. There are things that I would never do and there are things that she would. Maybe that is why I am where I am. But I am proud of what I have chosen to do and not do in my life. I wonder if she would say the same.
June 25, 2014, 11pm, just out of the bath and drying off, when all of a sudden, chest pains. I sit on my bed and take deep breaths, which is difficult. To give a little history, in 2006, I had chest pains that I brushed off for a couple of months, but eventually led me to the hospital in surgery to get a heart stent to my Prox LAD, otherwise known as the widow maker. It was 99% blocked. All of this was a result of my lupus. Ok back to June 25, on my bed not sure what to do. I texted my sis to come up to me. We talked and I told her what I was feeling. Without hesitation, she said you have a heart stent, you need to go to the hospital. Without a thought I called my parents and we were off to the ER. Chest pains gets you taken back right away, so that was nice. An EKG was done and it was normal, I do believe, but I was taken back to a bed. A doctor came right in and went over my history, which is extensive, and went over my symptoms. I was told that I would be admitted to be observed overnight and would probably be released in the morning. The next morning I had a stress test, but with medication, because I am still recovering from foot surgery and couldn’t walk on the treadmill. The results were not normal. So later on that day, the cardiologist came in and let me know that because of my previous stent, they wanted to make sure it was still doing it’s job. So another angioplasty would be done. I called my mom and my sister. Unfortunately, my sister and I had an argument and I abruptly got off the phone. I went to the bathroom and the nurses came in the room to take me for my surgery. While being wheeled out, my room phone was ringing, I knew exactly who it was, my sister calling to apologize. I so wanted to speak to her, just in case surgery didn’t go well, but it was too late. Once I got to the surgery cath lab. I saw my mom, I told her to please call Angie and tell her I am sorry and I love her, when she called her, she had the exact same message for me. So the nurses were running back and forth to give me her message and to let me know she got mine. I ended up needing a 2nd heart stent, in an less major artery but it was also 99% blocked. My post back in May was knowing the difference between life and health and not choosing death. This was my body telling me something was not right and I listened. But because it snuck up so quick and left just as quick, I was going to just wait and call the doctor another day, what a mistake that would have been. My sister told me to go and I went. I am so grateful for her being here that night. She most probably saved my life.
Have you ever felt that something is about to happen. You can’t really explain why you feel this way, but you just do. I am now 40 and have not been on a date in probably 3 years or so. I am actually fine with that because I have had 6 surgeries since 2011, so the last thing on my brain has been dating. Now I am better and my focus is on finding someone that I can grow with and possibly build a life with. I am in a new place in my life, I am in a place I thought I would never be and I feel as though why not, I can have love too. I know it’s up to God, so I depend on him for my happiness. I pray for what I need and want, just being honest, and hope that I am granted my wishes, I trust in him to give me what I need and that is enough. I do want to be married but that is not for me to decide. I have spoken it and He knows I want it. I will carry on doing me, improving me, studying me, working on my health program and getting into a groove to be able to get out as often as possible and not be a fixture in my house everyday. Living with my sis is going well, but it is an experience to say the least. We do things differently and I am a control freak like my mom. But we love each other at the end of the day so it all works out. We do argue about minor things, which is so dumb, but that is how we are. I am so grateful she is here to stay with me temporarily. I just love having her close to me. I used to pray for a husband, wherever he was in his life and the this steps were being made to cross my path. I would always say, at this point he can’t be getting further away he has to be getting closer to me. Well, that was about 10 years or so ago and he hasn’t shown up yet. I sometimes think that maybe finding my true love just isn’t in my cards, maybe I am meant to find true love in another form. I try to focus on that possibility, but my heart always goes back to my soul mate and being granted the desires of my heart. I will do well in this life, be obedient, learn, and love. That is all that I can do. Like I stated earlier God knows my heart and he hasn’t let me down and he won’t, this I know for sure. I am becoming cross eyed I am so sleepy. It is 4:23 am, I have insomnia and it is horrible, but when the sleep falls down on me it hits me hard. Soooooo night night!!