I’ve figured it out

if you are familiar with me I am on the fence on whether a husband is in my future or not. I have always thought that the reason why I’m not happy is because I am single. Therefore, to find a man equals finding and being happy. How wrong I have been. At 40, it has taken me this long to figure it out. I’ve heard that happiness comes from within yatta yatta yatta. But, not for me, I just need a companion and I’ll be complete. Sitting by myself one evening imagining being married and in love after watching several episodes of “say yes to the dress” it came to me. Would I like the dress, would I find a dress I felt comfortable in? All of these questions flooded my mind. But, it wasn’t about the dress it was about me, do I like me, am I comfortable with myself? It shook me at my core that it was this simple. I am not happy with Erika, I do not  love myself as I am today so how am I supposed to expect someone else to love me. Tears rolled and clarity ensued, I get it. I must fall in love with myself before I can expect to fall in love with another. My mission is to work on loving me, the little things, the big things, everything. This is going to be difficult since I am not pleased with my physical appearance and the fact that I feel like a liability because of my chronic illness, this in itself makes me feel as though i am less than. I know that God does not make mistakes and I also know that he will bless you with the desires of your heart. I believe I must accept lupus and that it is apart of me, embrace it, even love it because it’s me. This is not about solving the reason why I haven’t found a husband, it’s more about loving me and accepting me with all of my issues and flaws guiding me to finding true happiness.

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