It’s been awhile. I have come to a few realizations since my last entry. First, no one can complete you, you must be complete in order to fit with another person. At 40, I did not know this, therefore I have been hoping and praying for a husband so that I could fill the void that is missing in my life. At the same time I have been in a hate hate relationship with myself for about 3 years now. I don’t love myself and hate who I see when I look in the mirror each day. When did this happen?? I used to be the most confident self assured woman on the planet and now this. WTH!! I find myself angry all of the time and I couldn’t figure out why I was. Then it hit me that the anger would come either while I was sick or at a time when, because of my illness not being able to do what everyone else could. So I have deduced that I am angry at lupus. I hate lupus. I have allowed it to take my self esteem, my beauty, my voice, and everything that is Erika. Now that I have figured this out, I am ready to get it all back. I have been praying and praying for the last 3 years for help to get me back, as if God was just going to re program me or something. It never happened so now it’s up to me to get it back. Asking the question of how and then letting it drop by the wayside is over. If I haven’t figured it out on my own an outside source is needed. 🎵🎶 ahhhhhhhh🎵🎶 a therapist. But, not just any therapist a cognitive behavioral therapist. Someone that can pinpoint exactly what needs to be done by me to get me back to loving myself as I am right now and not be mad at myself for how lupus has changed and affected my life. It seems this is something I should be able to tackle myself but, apparently not. I can’t explain the level of excitement that I feel just knowing this is in my future. At this point, this is either to get reintroduced to Erika or maybe meet the new Erika so that I can be happy again. Wish me luck and I will keep you updated.
This entry is dedicated to Maresa Murray, my supporter, my motivator, my sister, my confidant, & my laughter when I only see tears. Love you girl.