I will be 41 on Thursday, a little scary but, it is a fact. I have decided to live my life the way God has intended me to. I want to be happy and love myself no matter my size, circumstance, lupus activity, flare or not. It has been hard to stay in love with myself going through what I do with lupus and handling how it negatively alters my relationship with myself. I am currently going through a flare involving my kidneys and a flare up of my bronchitis that unfortunately because of the increase in my steroids will be more difficult to heal from. So it takes patience. I was so excited about therapy and now I just want to feel my normal. I’m so tired of being sick and then getting sicker. Changes need to be made sooner than later and its up to me to make them.
Existing and living. A huge difference. For the past 4 years I have been existing. I had acl surgery in June 2011 and was then fired from my job of 15 years in October of the same year. After that in November I had to have my knee replaced on the same leg as the acl. Then in April 2012 I had a fusion surgery on my foot in which a tendon from my Achilles had to be removed and placed to lift my arch back. During this time I was in constant pain and taking a ton of pain meds. Fast forward June 2014, I bought a home at 40. I was so excited to be able to do this as well as blessed. And also my sister and my brother in love had moved in and I am in heaven having them here. But something is about to change in my life that I am so excited about. For years I have felt as though a man would complete me and everything would fall into place once I was in a relationship. How wrong I was. At 40, I am finally realizing this isn’t going to complete me or get me closer to happiness. I stated in a previous entry about relating finding a wedding dress to finding happiness. I’ve come to the conclusion that before I can open myself up to a loving committed relationship I must first love myself. I have figured why I am so happy my sister lives here with me it’s because I hate being alone. I don’t like being with myself, I am not good company I am boring. How can I expect a man to want to be with me when I don’t even want to be with myself. It seems so simple but, it took me this long to come to this conclusion. I have also decided to talk to someone in a therapy setting to understand how I can start to get the old Erika back, the woman that loved herself and had all of the self confidence in the world. I am so EXCITED! I can hardly put it into words. I can feel a shift coming that is going to change the entire trajectory of my life. I am most excited to spend time with myself and get to know me and then eventually falling in love with me. It’s so funny because now my focus is me not a man that may or maynot show up. Now that I know my issue is loving myself despite having lupus and being on disability. These two things are negatives that I let dictate my life and my activity level. I can’t do that because I have this disease, I must stay at home because I will have to pay for going out tomorrow and maybe the day after that. A question I ask, “is it worth it?” A lot of times I say no and stay in the house. A side affect from doing this is I start receiving fewer and fewer invites and therefore relationships suffer and disappear. That is over I am here to start over. I know I am being redundant and have spoken this in other entries but there is something behind these words that was not there before. I will be documenting my progress. I am ready to love Erika again and get my self confidence back. Until next time.