Existing and living. A huge difference. For the past 4 years I have been existing. I had acl surgery in June 2011 and was then fired from my job of 15 years in October of the same year. After that in November I had to have my knee replaced on the same leg as the acl. Then in April 2012 I had a fusion surgery on my foot in which a tendon from my Achilles had to be removed and placed to lift my arch back. During this time I was in constant pain and taking a ton of pain meds. Fast forward June 2014, I bought a home at 40. I was so excited to be able to do this as well as blessed. And also my sister and my brother in love had moved in and I am in heaven having them here. But something is about to change in my life that I am so excited about. For years I have felt as though a man would complete me and everything would fall into place once I was in a relationship. How wrong I was. At 40, I am finally realizing this isn’t going to complete me or get me closer to happiness. I stated in a previous entry about relating finding a wedding dress to finding happiness. I’ve come to the conclusion that before I can open myself up to a loving committed relationship I must first love myself. I have figured why I am so happy my sister lives here with me it’s because I hate being alone. I don’t like being with myself, I am not good company I am boring. How can I expect a man to want to be with me when I don’t even want to be with myself. It seems so simple but, it took me this long to come to this conclusion. I have also decided to talk to someone in a therapy setting to understand how I can start to get the old Erika back, the woman that loved herself and had all of the self confidence in the world. I am so EXCITED! I can hardly put it into words. I can feel a shift coming that is going to change the entire trajectory of my life. I am most excited to spend time with myself and get to know me and then eventually falling in love with me. It’s so funny because now my focus is me not a man that may or maynot show up. Now that I know my issue is loving myself despite having lupus and being on disability. These two things are negatives that I let dictate my life and my activity level. I can’t do that because I have this disease, I must stay at home because I will have to pay for going out tomorrow and maybe the day after that. A question I ask, “is it worth it?” A lot of times I say no and stay in the house. A side affect from doing this is I start receiving fewer and fewer invites and therefore relationships suffer and disappear. That is over I am here to start over. I know I am being redundant and have spoken this in other entries but there is something behind these words that was not there before. I will be documenting my progress. I am ready to love Erika again and get my self confidence back. Until next time.