Weight lifted

I have come to the realization that I am better off single.  The way I live and with my illness makes my life more comfortable as a single. It’s hard because I truly always saw myself as a wife but it can’t be forced and especially if you feel it’s truly not for you. I feel as though God has something bigger for me than I could ever imagine for myself. I have no clue what that is but that is the beauty of life and living it to the fullest.  I have not lived in awhile, I’m existing. That has to be my focus, me! I am not even in love with myself and that has to change.  I do believe once I find happy within, my life will change for the better. I use to always equate happiness with a relationship and now I know one has nothing to do with the other.  And honestly I am ok with that. I use to say it but in my mind there was a but or still watching wedding shows praying that would be me one day. No more, it’s not for me. Majority of my days are in discomfort and with that comes mood swings and depression. I need to sleep by myself due to the fact that I have insomnia and when I do sleep it’s normally sideways. I just can’t imagine a person wanting to be with me with all of these imperfections. I am also not the most active person and that does not make for a fun and interesting relationship either. I had a conversation with myself and I accept it and you know it’s not so bad. The only downside is the living alone part, I hate living by myself but this can be solved with the possibility of my cousin living with me in the future. I do feel like a weight has been lifted from me, it was literally weighing me down thinking about getting motivated to get out and meet men, it was exhausting and terrifying at the same time and so unnecessary because I’ve determined it’s not what I want or what feels comfortable to me. But for so long I thought I wanted it because it’s what you are suppose to do. 

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