Today

i did it!!! Well part of it, I got up, got dressed, an accomplishment within itself. Then went to the hospital for labs to be drawn. I was so proud of myself, even though I had other plans to go other places but that didn’t happen. As soon as I got back to my car the only thing I was thinking was getting to my bed. My body and joints take over sometime and I give in. But I did do the most important task on the list!!!

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Tomorrow

i am waking up, taking a shower and that might be the end of it but, if I still have spoons left, which means energy. I will get dressed and go to the hospital to have my labs drawn and then to Target to pick up a few things that I really just want to order online. Pray for me that I make it. I may have to take out the shower to give myself a chance at actually making it out. It’s funny how taking a shower makes me feel as though I have worked an 8 hour shift as a manual labor worker at the post office.  I’m going to do it, like the commercial with the narration “I think I can I think I can I think I can” etc etc etc “I knew I could do it” Tomorrow!

On a side note, my doc increased my steroids by 5mgs a day through the weekend to hopefully manage my pain. We will see, I have already gained 30lbs from the steroid increase of 60mg 4 months ago but honestly as hard as it is to go out with this extra weight I would rather be heavy and pain free than slim and in pain. 

Still in pain

its day 3 and the pain is continuing along with the depression. I gave cried so much the last 3 days it’s ridiculous. I am trying to dwell on what I have and my blessings but it very difficult when you are in pain while doing this. My mom came over yesterday to cook and I snapped at her and I promise you I didn’t mean to but this is a pattern for me. I mistreat those around me that are helping me. I am not sure why, I think it could be because I’m frustrated that I can’t do for myself and need help, who knows. I am working on this and taking deep breaths and telling myself that my mom or dad don’t have to do what they are doing to help me and to be thankful and not dwell on minor insignificant things. I thought I was getting better until yesterday. Last night was really bad and my parents were willing to come and get me and my pup to stay with them but that made me even more depressed that this is what my life has come to.  I am so thankful to have my parents still when so many don’t but to have to depend on them depresses me. I feel like I’m whining or am ungrateful or maybe even acting like a baby with these feelings. I’m so conflicted and another issue is getting out of the house. I used to be the social “butterfly” of my group of friends. I enjoyed everything about going out and socializing. I went on at least 3 times a week. I loved this life and I was also working PT, so I had interaction with people on a daily basis. Since getting disability this has changed and I only leave the house for doctor appointments or lab work. It’s as if I literally can’t go out, it’s scary to me. I am laying here doped up because of pain medicine I need to keep the pain at bay but this is an unfortunate side effect. This also is another reason that I’m unable to go out often because folks would think this chick is high as hell. It’s kind of embarrassing. Another issue now is my insulin. I have to testy sugar before every meal and based on what it reads give myself a shot accordingly. At a table in a restaurant is not acceptable. I can barely keep my eyes open, until next time…….& no spell or error checkšŸ’œ

PainĀ 

sitting here at 5:03 am and having been up since 3:30 am I’m having so many thoughts. I woke up in pain, as usual, and took my meds and they are finally taking affect. It’s funny because sometimes they work within 15 minutes and sometimes it takes close to 2 hours, which sucks.  Having insomnia makes it worse because I’m not sleeping through it. I had a really bad day yesterday and it’s spilling over into today. I’ve cried much you would think my ducts would be dry. I want to be positive and dwell on the pros in my life but when you believe the cons outweigh them that is where your mind goes or at least mine does. I think dealing with chronic pain doesn’t help either. In some instances you can put negative thoughts in a box and keep them there and focus on other things, but when you are in pain and that is at the top of your list of cons it’s very difficult to do that. I want to work on this aspect of my life and hopefully it will dwindle down to others. I have chosen to not focus on things that are hopes and dreams and maintain my attention on things that are going to benefit me and my life. I am lonely, I have alienated my friends and I was thinking yesterday in one of my having pity moment that if I died no one but family would come to my funeral. It’s been at least 10 years since I have been withy friends socially. There is the occasional text or response to a Facebook post but nothing more. I see them going out and getting together and not one invite to me. It’s my fault I have set myself up for this by allowing lupus to take over my life. The problem is now that I have done this I have no idea how to get my life back. I’m sure I have written about this in a prior post but with lupus brain, please be patient with me. Lupus brain is basically, having short term and long term memory loss. It’s not all of the time but it happens enough to affect your life. I have also started suffering from migraines which is a pain that is almost unbearable at times. So medication #27 is added to my list.  Also an insulin has been added because of the increase in my sugar due to an increase in another medication. I’m already a diabetic so I take insulin already but now require a fast acting insulin so I’m giving myself shots 4x a day. I know others go through so much more but this sucks.  I tend to ramble in speech and in typing it seems. I just heard my puppy jingle his chain, Lord I hope he was just repositioning himself we will soon see if I start hearing a soft bark or little huff and puff he makes to get my attention to go out. I love him dearly and getting him was the best thing I could have ever done.  He allows me to rest and we sleep a lot but that is what dogs do and fortunately for me it fits right in with my lifestyle. He’s also little and even though he does LOVE the outside he doesn’t require a lot of walking or exercise. But fortunate for me my parents are very active and he spends time with them and runs and runs for hours in their back yard and he loves it. I’m rambling, I shouldn’t even post this but I will and maybe it will touch someone in a positive way. I’m not checking for errors, I’m human so don’t judge me…lol.

Facebook death

i have decided to end my Facebook account, it is extremely painful to see the lives of my friends and family in comparison to mine. This may sound sad and make no sense but it is what I feel I need to do right now. I have to work on myself and constantly putting myself down because I haven’t accomplished what others have seems to be a constant set back for me. I maybe going about this all wrong but I have to try something.  I get in an extreme depression when I see couple photos, or children photos, or out socially photos, which is honestly all people post. All of my pictures are either at home or at the doctors office. There is no one around me, no friends, no outings, no invitations, no nothing. It is a sad existence but it is what I have chosen over the last 10 years. I am praying for a change and I am hoping this is the start of me appreciating what I do have and what I have accomplished and not comparing it to others.