Pain 

sitting here at 5:03 am and having been up since 3:30 am I’m having so many thoughts. I woke up in pain, as usual, and took my meds and they are finally taking affect. It’s funny because sometimes they work within 15 minutes and sometimes it takes close to 2 hours, which sucks.  Having insomnia makes it worse because I’m not sleeping through it. I had a really bad day yesterday and it’s spilling over into today. I’ve cried much you would think my ducts would be dry. I want to be positive and dwell on the pros in my life but when you believe the cons outweigh them that is where your mind goes or at least mine does. I think dealing with chronic pain doesn’t help either. In some instances you can put negative thoughts in a box and keep them there and focus on other things, but when you are in pain and that is at the top of your list of cons it’s very difficult to do that. I want to work on this aspect of my life and hopefully it will dwindle down to others. I have chosen to not focus on things that are hopes and dreams and maintain my attention on things that are going to benefit me and my life. I am lonely, I have alienated my friends and I was thinking yesterday in one of my having pity moment that if I died no one but family would come to my funeral. It’s been at least 10 years since I have been withy friends socially. There is the occasional text or response to a Facebook post but nothing more. I see them going out and getting together and not one invite to me. It’s my fault I have set myself up for this by allowing lupus to take over my life. The problem is now that I have done this I have no idea how to get my life back. I’m sure I have written about this in a prior post but with lupus brain, please be patient with me. Lupus brain is basically, having short term and long term memory loss. It’s not all of the time but it happens enough to affect your life. I have also started suffering from migraines which is a pain that is almost unbearable at times. So medication #27 is added to my list.  Also an insulin has been added because of the increase in my sugar due to an increase in another medication. I’m already a diabetic so I take insulin already but now require a fast acting insulin so I’m giving myself shots 4x a day. I know others go through so much more but this sucks.  I tend to ramble in speech and in typing it seems. I just heard my puppy jingle his chain, Lord I hope he was just repositioning himself we will soon see if I start hearing a soft bark or little huff and puff he makes to get my attention to go out. I love him dearly and getting him was the best thing I could have ever done.  He allows me to rest and we sleep a lot but that is what dogs do and fortunately for me it fits right in with my lifestyle. He’s also little and even though he does LOVE the outside he doesn’t require a lot of walking or exercise. But fortunate for me my parents are very active and he spends time with them and runs and runs for hours in their back yard and he loves it. I’m rambling, I shouldn’t even post this but I will and maybe it will touch someone in a positive way. I’m not checking for errors, I’m human so don’t judge me…lol.

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