What I thought…

Living in a 4-5 BR home with 3 & 1/2 baths in an upper class neighborhood with my husband and 2 children. I would stay at home and have my own business run from there. It would be a lovely life and I prayed for it. That is all I thought I had to do to achieve something was to ask God for it and strive towards it and it would happen. Unfortunately for me, life happened. I dated a lot and was even given a ring by a beau but never even got close to marriage. Instead lupus happened and everything I thought was to be wasn’t to be. It didn’t phase me at first because I didn’t know the affect it was to have on my life long term. I was 20 years old and felt it was a temporary setback and it would pass. It did not and now at 41, it is worse than ever. I can barely move on some days and struggle to socialize because of the low self esteem that this disease has brought on me. You have to understand when I initially got lupus I ignored symptoms for as long as I could, so I still went out, I dated, drank, did everything they I should not have done to avoid the pain I was starting to feel all over. Until one day, at work, I realized my time was over. I was doing manual labor at the USPS and I loved my job and I was being vetted for a higher position to eventually rise through the ranks. My job consisted of moving mail to carriers and unloading semi trucks, I was constantly moving and I adored the mail men and their inappropriateness it was just fun but they never crossed the line. My supervisor actually propositioned me and now thinking back on it I should have been appalled but I was 21 years old and flattered and played with it to get different things. Little things, lunch at expensive restaurants, driving his sports car just dumb stuff. Anyway, in the morning, there were several businesses that came in for their mail before 7am and it was hectic for about an hour but I had a system that worked and it ran smoothly. This particular morning I was having an extremely difficult time and I remember i couldn’t even get my gloves on because my hands were so stiff. I tried to ignore it but I couldn’t. As the business reps came it I literally had to have them get their own mail and do my job for me, which was actually genius but my boss didn’t like it. I worked most of that day until I was in tears because of the pain. I told my supervisor I didn’t know what was wrong but I had to leave, she was shocked that I was walking out in the middle of a shift but I had to. I never returned. I type all of this to say that I thought my life would be so different and fulfilled in every way possible. It hurts when I think of what could have been but, I know that God has given me the life I was meant to live. I see friends with their families and it hurts me to my core but, to get upset is to have disdain in God and the life he has blessed me with. It is a hard life but I’m living it, not to the best of my ability, but I’m trying everyday to appreciate what I have and not to compare to others. So what I thought is in fact what I got, God has blessed me with what I’m meant to have when I’m meant to have it. He will also continue to bless me with what I am meant to have as I continue to live and grow on this earth.


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