This is a something I’ve been told as far back as I can remember. I was pretty or I am cute. This has changed due to my illness. I have gained a substantial amount of weight as well as developed rashes on my face and other parts of my body. I have bruising from medications and scars from multiple procedures and surgeries. For a man to find me beautiful is far fetched in my opinion. My sister tells me there is someone that will see past that and love me regardless. I’ve given up on this. But being beautiful or considering myself beautiful has nothing to do with a man or finding a man. It’s a confidence I once had just being me, I knew I was beautiful. It wasn’t about bring told it, it was simply having high self esteem. Where did this go? Will I ever get it back? When? I am 41 years old, a woman in her 40’s is coming into her own and going after what she wants with no apologies. Lupus has robbed me of so much, mainly myself, my being. I haven’t dated since before my ACL surgery in 2011. Prior to that my boyfriend passed away, so if I include that time I haven’t dated since 2010 when we met. Since then my life has changed dramatically. I lost my job, I lost my ability to walk for about 2 years while being in constant pain. These things changed my outlook on life. I felt as though God had forgotten about me, not that he didn’t love me but had other pressing issues and He felt as though I could handle what I was going through and you know, he was right. It was hard and I thought I’d never walk without a cane or needing a scooter to get around. How wrong I was. I’m not saying I’m painfree or can walk a flight of stairs but it’s manageable. I have come a long way. God knew and saw what I couldn’t even fathom. So back to my original question am I more than beautiful? I am intelligent, intriguing, insightful, delightful, humorous, compassionate, dependable, loving and the list goes on and on. Does being beautiful even matter in the big scheme of things afterall like they say looks fade but, the above mentioned will not.