New chapter

It has been confirmed, at 41, I am going through menopause. I was reading my labs and it was a little difficult but it seems a normal range of your hormone level while going through menopause is at max 67 and I am at 122. This is normally in women going through menopause at a very late age, usually around 70-75. My doctors call me an enigma and this just helps that theory. My doctors response after the lab results was “serious menopause, WOW, no wonder you are so hot” in addition to this I am having another form of lupus starting to show its ugly head on parts of my body, so fun!  My medications have been adjusted to hopefully stabilize this as well, it is called discoid lupus, basically lupus of the skin.  I also will see my gynecologist in January to discuss my options moving forward with the hysterectomy.  I am also still having kidney disease and we have to wait and see if the medication I’m taking now will reduce the amount of protein spilling into my kidneys causing them to slowly shut down. Worst case scenario I will need a transplant, I think I have spoken on this on a previous post. Surprisingly I have not been praying  for myself lately. It is a little boy with a brain tumor that is fighting for his life. He literally had symptoms one day and by day 3 was in the hospital unable to walk or talk and losing most of his bodily functions. He has since started to turn around but his prognosis is not good. He is who I pray for as well as thousands of others, his story is not only on television but on FB and I thank God for everything he’s provided me with but to save Kyler Bradley, he is just a baby compared to me and going through so much more with an entire life to live.  It’s funny how despite what you may be troubled with in your life it’s so easy to just place that to the side when you come across someone else that is worse off than you are. I don’t feel like I am a strong person at all, I let lupus defeat me. I cry and have pity parties for myself and feel as though I’m letting it win. There are t shirts and sweatshirts with sayings like “I may have lupus but it will never have me” or “I am fighting lupus like a girl” I feel like such a fraud when I wear these types of things because I am not fighting, I am a sucker, I give in to the pain and cry to my mother. I see so many of my lupie sisters working and doing things for their families and here I am at home day to day literally scared to go out and with no motivation and I blame lupus. I have let lupus hold me hostage and it’s gotten comfortable. I’ve spoken of this previously but I am going to a therapist. I have been motivated because I want to live a more social life and be around people. My parents and sister are extremely supportive  of me seeking help.  I am excited for my future once I begin to learn how to deal with certain issues that arise in my life. I tend to surrender easily and blame everything on lupus. I feel meditation may help me in getting through the painful flares that come with lupus, that at times seem to never end, even with pain medication. I ask that anyone reading this to whomever you pray to or worship prayer for me.