Today is the day

I am making a change today. My sister sat down with me last night and spoke to me from her heart and it was things that she had wanted to say for so long but didn’t know how. She is so frustrated with how I’m living my life or should I say NOT living my life. She told me I need to get out and not just to our parents house. I need to see people and be seen by people. She encouraged me to finally make the call to the therapist. I listened and I saw in her face how concerned she was. She fears I will develop mental issues because of my fear of outside. It is true, I fear going to public places and I also fear being seen by those I know because of my appearance. She told me over and over how pretty I am despite the effects of my medication, this is something that I don’t see.  But one thing did resignate and that’s that no one can do it but me, no one can take the first step but me. It’s time, I’ve talked about doing it for years and have just gotten comfortable not doing it and I had no motivation. I’m still on the line of being motivated and not but, I’m pushing myself over to the motivation side of the line. I have to, if I want to live life and experience it to its fullest I have to leave my home. I love my home but, I actually think I’ll love it more if I leave it more often. I always remember people saying with an Ahhhhh, I can’t wait to get home or I can’t wait to get into my bed. Well, I’m always home and always either on my couch or in my bed. I rarely put on clothes, I stay in my pajamas all day everyday. Ok, I’m supposed to be more positive and this sounds pretty sad…lol. But, like I’ve said its my truth. I had a conversation with a former friend years ago and she used an analogy about the egg and being boiled or something, I can’t remember but,basically it’s about how you respond to something difficult in your life. Does it make you hard or strong or does it make you weak and you give up. I took her saying this to mean that she was calling me weak because of my blog posts up to that point. She wanted me to write more positive things and not be so negative and at that time, I felt there was nothing positive about my life. I also felt as if she wasn’t being supportive of me at all. I was expecting a response of empathy of what she had read and what I was going through but I didn’t get that and it hurt and we haven’t spoken since. It’s a friendship I miss but if she could simply walk away from me that easily the friendship obviously meant more to me than it did to her and I accept that. It’s 7 am, I have to call the city at 8am because there was a dead cat, that I named Midnight, at the end of my driveway in the street yesterday, I kinda shed a little tear,when my dad got it up, he was just limp with no life in his little body. His life was over in an instant. It made me think of life and how precious it is, and the importance of living it. After that call I will, deep breath, call the therapist. I got knots in my belly when I typed that.  It is my first step to getting it together and more positive posts on my blog. I have a saying or a hashtag…honestyIN2016, and I mean it, I’m being me, I’m not hiding or trying to sugar coat what I’m going through. For those that don’t want to hear it don’t read it. As always God bless.

this post is dedicated to Midnight.

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