My birthday was April 2nd and I wasn’t feeling well at all but, I thought my sister had planned to get a hotel room and we have a sister slumber party. So when I wasn’t feeling well I felt it could just be cancelled. Little did I know, my friend that I had thrown the bridal shower for (previous post) had planned this party. My mom and sister decided to tell me to get me motivated to go and I did. Unfortunately, I couldn’t eat or drink anything for fear of pooping the entire party and having stomach cramps. It was lovely and I enjoyed myself so much and also paid for it that night. Lupus is so weird because all I did was literally sit on the couch with my legs elevated and I had the worst body aches that night that I almost had to go to the ER. I can barely move now and I can’t climb stairs because it feels like weights are on my ankles and I’m carrying a load on my back. I’ve never felt this way before, my doctors are telling me it’s because of the “blast” of 1500mg of steroids I got about 2 months ago and it will be in my system for at least 4 more months. I hate feeling this way on a daily basis and it never lets up, it seems I get no relief and other body systems are also under attack, so to speak. I won’t get into specifics because it is really TMI. I cry often because of the pain and then pain from other parts of my body as well, it’s not fair, I hate this and I wonder, what have I done to deserve this. Did I mistreat someone and this is my karma? I haven’t been perfect but, who has in life. I look at folks that have done far worse things and are living the dream life. My mom thinks because she birthed me she gave me lupus and it’s her fault. I don’t believe that for a minute and then she tells me if I can’t believe that than my reasoning is just as ridiculous. We will never know why it’s happening, it just is and I have to deal with it as best as I can. To think I will be dealing with this disease my entire life is frightening. At 50, 60, 70, possibly 80, maybe by then I will be able to deal with the pain better than I do now, but what if not. I sometimes wonder what the suicide rate is for lupus patients. I have a low tolerance for pain but, my doctors tell me otherwise, they say I deal with the pain better than a lot of other patients, I feel I’m a wimp the way I cry and yell out in pain, asking God to give me strength because I can’t make it, it’s to much to deal with. I have my parents to comfort me now but they won’t be here in the future and lupus will. I wonder if I’ll make it without them. I find strength somehow to get through every flare but while I’m in it I don’t see the an end to the pain and I want to end it permanently. But, I tell myself it’s temporary and it will pass and it does and if it doesn’t to the ER I go. I also look at life as Gods greatest gift to us and I would never want to take my own, it’s like telling Him the gift isn’t good enough and handing it back. Also, I don’t want to disappoint Him. I live my life as well as possible and as a Christian aught to and I’m proud of that. I make mistakes but, I never harm others in the process. I was blessed to turn 42 and I look forward to many many more birthdays in the future. God bless.