sick sick sick

Sometimes I ask myself, why me? Then I think is that selfish of me to ask that question? I think it’s only human and God understands. I’ve been in the hospital a lot lately and after not having been in there but once a year or so lately, it’s a reminder of just how sick lupus can make me. My appearance has changed, I’ve gained weight, and my mood and personality is altered as well. I find myself snapping at my mom all of the time and she is the one that takes care of me. She prepares my meals and makes sure I’m following my renal diet, low carb diet, and low fat diet. I’m preparing my body for when I may need a kidney transplant because being overweight is an issue that will put you lower on the list to receive one.its frustrating because I’ve been on this diet for about 2 months and I haven’t lost a pound. I have a lot of bloating and swelling in my feet so that keeps me “heavy” in a sense. I’m not even cheating…lol. I just expect to see results on the scale. My BP is great and my blood sugar is stable, it’s still high but, not as high as it had been. All of this is due to my eating habits. It has been hard to kick my candy habit. I do chew a piece of bubble gum at night while my mom sleeps, we sleep together. I had to kick my dad out and I don’t want to be in my old bedroom because I’m so unsteady on my feet I need to in here with her. Also, since I fainted she really wants to be with me. I’m getting better day by day and I’m hoping to be back home next week, thank you Jesus!!!!! I want to be home in my bed with my things, my kitchen, my couch and just my life. It’s difficult because even though my sister is there she is on her side of the house and we rarely see each other except in the kitchen most times. She says she will help me so it should work out. I’m just terrified of fainting again. I also want to be back to myself when I return home and I know I won’t be and my parents will be over everyday checking on me. I’m such a baby because if they don’t think I’m ready I will probably stay a little longer. But, my home has no stairs so I’ll be able to get around easily as long as I take my time. Moving to another subject, I have an appointment with my kidney doc Wednesday and I’m curious as to what our next steps are and what my most recent labs showed. I’m praying my creatinine is still lowering and my function is increasing. In most cases it’s a waiting game for results and it drives me crazy, waiting by the phone to ring with good or bad news. Lately it’s been more bad than good. I had a ERD I think that is what it’s called. A long tube with a camera goes down my throat and it views my pancreas but while down there I had lesions on my stomach so biopsies were taken of them so I’m anxiously awaiting those results. I got a call today on my voicemail from a doc office I’m not familiar with stating I’ll need to schedule a EUS or EUD to go back down my throat, no one mentioned this to me in the hospital and the docs name wasn’t someone I knew, I’ll call tomorrow to get clarification. It is 3:33am and this is the second night of no sleep for me. My mom says just close your eyes and fall asleep, if only it were that simple. I still don’t think she fully understands insomnia. If you can sleep during the day why can’t you sleep at night, is what she says. I really don’t get it myself but, it’s real and I’ve read definitions online but, her questions throw me off and I have no answers. She’s laying beside me silently sleeping and I am so happy I still have her here to love on me and I know the time will come when our roles change in each other’s lives. Yes, I will find my energy and do whatever needs to be done along with my sister to make sure she and my dad have every single thing they need well into their 100’s, yes I’m claiming it, that I will have them both that long. I’m just cherishing the time I have now. I stare at both of them a lot as if I don’t want to forget what they look like…lol.  Hart to Hart is on tv right now, I love it, along with Matlock and Columbo, that was random. Well that is all for now, I will post again when I get results or get proper clarification of the new procedure, or just want to type. Take care all of my followers and thank you so much for simply being interested in my life. Love.

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