The love I have received 

The past 2 months or so take me back to when I was initially going through trying to find out what was wrong with me about 20 years ago. Hospitals, tests, doctors. It was so scary and this has been no different. I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are but I am a Christian and I believe that God has already healed, He has already promised me this. My kidneys were at 11% and my docs told me they would not bounce back any higher, yet they are now 22%. This gives me faith that they will bounce up even higher. My sister thinks I will not only not need a transplant but won’t need dialysis. Her faith and belief in His word is so strong that she is claiming this miracle for me. I have started a FB page dedicated to my battle with lupus and my day to day struggles. The outpouring of love that I have received is overwhelming. My HS classmates have shocked me especially, they have gone as far as offering to be tested as a match if I do need a kidney. I have gotten numerous cards from them and the special thing is they have written notes specifically to me inside the card, which makes it so personal and shows they took,the extra time and thoughtfulness for me. 

I have felt so alone lately and for the first time I feel loved and I feel as though I have friends that love and support me. I am having my first visitor tomorrow and she is a HS girlfriend visiting on business. I am so nervous that actually as I type have butterflies in my stomach, it is so weird to feel this way about a visit but, I haven’t seen her since HS. I have only had visitors when they are surprises so I’m not prepared and don’t have time to anticipate. I’m going to try not to talk myself out of it but I’m so scared. When will I get over this fear? 


The Difference between Life and Health 2

June 25, 2014, 11pm, just out of the bath and drying off, when all of a sudden, chest pains. I sit on my bed and take deep breaths, which is difficult. To give a little history, in 2006, I had chest pains that I brushed off for a couple of months, but eventually led me to the hospital in surgery to get a heart stent to my Prox LAD, otherwise known as the widow maker. It was 99% blocked. All of this was a result of my lupus. Ok back to June 25, on my bed not sure what to do. I texted my sis to come up to me. We talked and I told her what I was feeling. Without hesitation, she said you have a heart stent, you need to go to the hospital. Without a thought I called my parents and we were off to the ER. Chest pains gets you taken back right away, so that was nice. An EKG was done and it was normal, I do believe, but I was taken back to a bed. A doctor came right in and went over my history, which is extensive, and went over my symptoms. I was told that I would be admitted to be observed overnight and would probably be released in the morning. The next morning I had a stress test, but with medication, because I am still recovering from foot surgery and couldn’t walk on the treadmill. The results were not normal. So later on that day, the cardiologist came in and let me know that because of my previous stent, they wanted to make sure it was still doing it’s job. So another angioplasty would be done. I called my mom and my sister. Unfortunately, my sister and I had an argument and I abruptly got off the phone. I went to the bathroom and the nurses came in the room to take me for my surgery. While being wheeled out, my room phone was ringing, I knew exactly who it was, my sister calling to apologize. I so wanted to speak to her, just in case surgery didn’t go well, but it was too late. Once I got to the surgery cath lab. I saw my mom, I told her to please call Angie and tell her I am sorry and I love her, when she called her, she had the exact same message for me. So the nurses were running back and forth to give me her message and to let me know she got mine. I ended up needing a 2nd heart stent, in an less major artery but it was also 99% blocked. My post back in May was knowing the difference between life and health and not choosing death. This was my body telling me something was not right and I listened. But because it snuck up so quick and left just as quick, I was going to just wait and call the doctor another day, what a mistake that would have been. My sister told me to go and I went. I am so grateful for her being here that night. She most probably saved my life.