There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.
I am not even going to lie, as I lay here in pain from lupus and a throbbing headache. I scroll through IG and see all of the couples celebrating Valentines and I so desire to be in love. With my recent more serious health battles I wonder if I will ever experience love at all. Will I ever hear the words, I love you from a man that truly does. Or will I be asked the question that most women dream of, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife? I’ve always wondered what a woman does to get a man to fall that deeply in love with her. Because I’ve never been able to do it. I have a girlfriend that is on her 3rd marriage and in my mind she has gotten 3 men to go to a jewelry store with her in mind and pick out a ring to ask that question. How did she do this? Granted the first 2 didn’t last but that isn’t my point at the moment. I hope it’s in my future, it’s not that I feel as though I don’t have as much time because of my condition but, it’s like my time is running out because of my age. I believe I will be healed in the name of Jesus. I have been reading scriptures that have opened my eyes magnificently to this fact and I will hold fast to this belief. My health far outweighs falling in love and that is my focus, my thought is when put in a situation as in bad health you begin to think of everything that you never accomplished or things that you desired and never obtained. It’s almost as if it maybe to late but, that is the devil trying to tell you that your end is near and accept it and I won’t do that. I won’t allow him to gain entrance into my mind and convince me otherwise. I’m here and I’m here to stay, if I fall in love or not, I’m going to here to live a long and full life. He’s not done with me yet. I haven’t gotten a chance to live out the second part or the best part of my life. I have so much to see and so much to do and accomplish, it’s simply not over yet. He said that every cell, tissue, organ,and system in my body, as well as every thought in my mind and heart lines up with Isaiah 53:5 “by Jesus’ stripes I am healed. I don’t judge how well I am, by the sight of my eyes or by the feelings in my body, “For I walk by faith, not by sight” II Corinthians 5:7. This is what I hold onto and this is what will be my strength to pull me through this. He is with me during this battle and he will never leave my side. So for this reason He is my Valentine, I need or want no other, he has shown me love, devotion, stability, empathy, sympathy, compassion, a shoulder to cry on, and simply been there when I didn’t even realize I needed Him to be. God is LOVE. AMEN.
As I get older I fear losing her every day. I dread the day I may get a call that something has happened to her, maybe not necessarily death but just that she has been injured in anyway. I received a call from my dad over the summer that he had been in a car accident and simply him being able to make the call assured me it wasn’t that serious. The only loss was his 1992 Honda Accord that he cherished and still mentions to this day. I depend on both of my parents due to my limited physical ability because of lupus. My dad does more of the footwork for me but when I’m ill the only thing that gets me through it is my mom. I haven’t figured out a way to mend myself without hearing her voice. I am wanting her to record her voice comforting me and I keep putting it off but I will no longer do this, because we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us. I want to do so many things with her but I barely have energy to do the basic things for myself. I love just taking advantage of rides to my doctors appointments with either one of my parents just to have that one on one time with them. I always ask my mom to take me places for that additional time together as well. She always seems to have an excuse that she has to get out very early and this is a problem for me so it never seems to work out. I guess if I were honest and tell her I just want to spend time with her it would make a difference but, I just don’t. My dad is flexible I can call him at noon and ask him to take me somewhere at 2 and he is ready. My sister is way more independent than I am and has been since she was 18. Angie couldn’t wait to get out of the house and I tried to stay and then come back as often as possible thereafter. We are so different but she is my best friend in the world. We made up a secret handshake today, it’s so cheesy but it’s really cute and just seemed right for a 41 and 47 a year old to do…lol. I think about death often, I am not sure if it’s because I fear it or I just know I’m closer to experiencing it the older I get. It’s 2016 and I want to embrace life and let go of fear. With the terrorism we have faced as a country and in our world I have stopped doing a lot of things I never second guessed before. I don’t go to libraries because of the access of the building to anyone wanting to cause harm, I never started going to bible study for obvious reasons, and also no movies for me until they are released and I can watch them in the safety of my own home. I have let fear dictate a lot of what I don’t do and I’ve been ok with it but I’m bored, I’m sad that this is how my life is at this moment. I’m not satisfied anymore, I’ve been content living this way but no longer and my mom and how she continues to live her life is my motivation. My mom goes where she wants when she wants and fear isn’t a factor. I truly admire that in her. Yes, there are others that also have not let fear stop them from living and experiencing things but my mom has always been the woman I look to for direction and I’ve admired her my entire life. She would absolutely not like me writing this about her because she is a very private person and feels you don’t make certain things public, it’s not necessary. She doesn’t understand FB or any social media sites in which you share thoughts or photos with people you rarely know, it’s vey strange to her. At one point she didn’t want her picture on my social media period but, she has kind of given in to that a bit as long as she approves the picture first…lol. She and my dad also step in as good grandparents to Reece, my 19 month old Shih Tzu puppy when I need help while I’m sick. I must say my parents are the best in every way. Obviously there are somethings that we argue about and disagree on but at the end of the day you choose what is important over what’s not. My mom, my love, my friend. The woman that taught me how to be a lady, how to be proper, how to carry myself accordingly, how to enter a room with dignity, how to respect everyone and never not demand it in return. My mom is my sHERO.
June 25, 2014, 11pm, just out of the bath and drying off, when all of a sudden, chest pains. I sit on my bed and take deep breaths, which is difficult. To give a little history, in 2006, I had chest pains that I brushed off for a couple of months, but eventually led me to the hospital in surgery to get a heart stent to my Prox LAD, otherwise known as the widow maker. It was 99% blocked. All of this was a result of my lupus. Ok back to June 25, on my bed not sure what to do. I texted my sis to come up to me. We talked and I told her what I was feeling. Without hesitation, she said you have a heart stent, you need to go to the hospital. Without a thought I called my parents and we were off to the ER. Chest pains gets you taken back right away, so that was nice. An EKG was done and it was normal, I do believe, but I was taken back to a bed. A doctor came right in and went over my history, which is extensive, and went over my symptoms. I was told that I would be admitted to be observed overnight and would probably be released in the morning. The next morning I had a stress test, but with medication, because I am still recovering from foot surgery and couldn’t walk on the treadmill. The results were not normal. So later on that day, the cardiologist came in and let me know that because of my previous stent, they wanted to make sure it was still doing it’s job. So another angioplasty would be done. I called my mom and my sister. Unfortunately, my sister and I had an argument and I abruptly got off the phone. I went to the bathroom and the nurses came in the room to take me for my surgery. While being wheeled out, my room phone was ringing, I knew exactly who it was, my sister calling to apologize. I so wanted to speak to her, just in case surgery didn’t go well, but it was too late. Once I got to the surgery cath lab. I saw my mom, I told her to please call Angie and tell her I am sorry and I love her, when she called her, she had the exact same message for me. So the nurses were running back and forth to give me her message and to let me know she got mine. I ended up needing a 2nd heart stent, in an less major artery but it was also 99% blocked. My post back in May was knowing the difference between life and health and not choosing death. This was my body telling me something was not right and I listened. But because it snuck up so quick and left just as quick, I was going to just wait and call the doctor another day, what a mistake that would have been. My sister told me to go and I went. I am so grateful for her being here that night. She most probably saved my life.
Tomorrow is another surgery for me. This will be my third on my knee. I am having more problems because of my chronic illness and medications that cause me to not heal like your average bear. But it is cool, it is my life and I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I have constant support from my family and my close girlfriends are always awesome. Especially my lupie sister, Stacey, she is almost an extension of me because we go through alot of the same issues. I am nervous, I am not going to lie, but it is in God’s hands, the best hands. I haven’t written in awhile, I really don’t know why, I really haven’t felt inspired or motivated. My life is headed in a different direction. I am able to do things that I never dreamed of and it’s exciting. Still dealing with lupus everyday dampers it just a bit, but I am learning to really appreciate my good days. It is a process but I am coming along. I feel as though God is handing me a new life on a platter with a note stating “What are you going to do with it”? My cousin, Keith, recently died and he suffered an accident years ago that unfortunately ended his marriage, his career, and ultimately his life. But while he lived he truly lived. We were not close but we had a connection that I believe we both felt. I mention him because, I want to live my life because he can’t, I am here and he isn’t. There is a reason for that. I had no clue this post was going to go in this direction, but I type as I feel. Wherever my mind goes is where my fingers go. Some people don’t understand blogs and writing online and sharing with others. I try to explain in this way. For me, I am unable to get out and socialize alot and this is my way of keeping that part of my life alive. And I love to write and it is therapy for me. What I do is not for everyone to get and I don’t get what others choose to do. We all simply do what makes us happy and makes us feel good and hopefully have no regrets. Well, maybe a few regrets that at least we can live with.
A woman that I knew as a child after feeling ill for about a week passed away. This is hitting me surprisingly hard, but one thing she said upon hearing that she had a few days to live was simply that she accepted it and it was her time to go. We must appreciate each second of our lives for we may never know when we are living our last week.