After sending my primary doc a message that I had been having hot flashes my title was his response. I then responded “you have to be kidding me”. At 41, but I have heard of women going through it in their 20’s. I go through a lot with lupus, coronary artery disease, chronic kidney disease, anemia, ulcers on my colon, and numerous side effects from medications. But this was one thing that I thought would not happen until much later in my life. I have never been married and have no children and honestly I’ve never wanted children but this occurrence is still affecting me in an unexpected way. I have had abnormal Pap smears for years and followed by biopsies, colposcopies, and several LEEP procedures (if you aren’t familiar, google it). In a nutshell, every time I’ve gone to the gyno for the past 10+ years I’ve had to have at least 2 additional procedures because of abnormalities and over time statistically it will become cancerous. I was expecting to get a hysterectomy in 2016, but menopause beat me to the punch. Unfortunately, despite my body doing this I still will have to undergo the hysterectomy to assure that I will not develop cancer later on. I’m on board with this 100%. But putting menopause in the mix wasn’t expected and is surprisingly saddening me. I am emotional on all levels, but I am also realistic with what hand God has given me. Some days it’s hard to accept and those are really bad days but they are moments that I somehow survive even though I feel as though it’s going to kill me because it hurts so bad.  I went to my nephrologist today and we were going over my labs and my condition, despite changing medications isn’t improving but, good news it isn’t getting worse. I then told him about my recent bout with shingles for the 3rd time and that I am going through menopause. He looked at me and said “my darling, you simply can’t catch a break” it was so funny coming from a little Indian man with a deep accent. So I will be getting tested the end of this month to solidify that I am in fact going through menopause and once that is verified I will go ahead and schedule my hysterectomy. I hear some women say they feel less than a woman after menopause or the surgery. I don’t feel that way.  Once a month I have the most unpleasant experience that lasts 7 days and I am looking forward to no longer having aunt flo visit, sorry if that is a little to much info but, it is what it is. This whole thing is hitting me hard and I will have to take some time to adjust and accept. That is my life, I’m thrown medical issues at every turn of life and I just roll with it. As most folks drive along a straight path with dips and highs and lows here and there. I not only deal with the dips and the highs and lows but I also have to take many detours along the way and I feel as though I can’t catch up to my counterparts ever. It was at my employer when I worked and those that I trained surpassed me. Not only was it difficult to keep up because of my illness but, depression set in watching those around me get promoted and my job performance suffered from that as well.  I am going way off topic here. So I’m done . I wish you all the best.


Still in pain

its day 3 and the pain is continuing along with the depression. I gave cried so much the last 3 days it’s ridiculous. I am trying to dwell on what I have and my blessings but it very difficult when you are in pain while doing this. My mom came over yesterday to cook and I snapped at her and I promise you I didn’t mean to but this is a pattern for me. I mistreat those around me that are helping me. I am not sure why, I think it could be because I’m frustrated that I can’t do for myself and need help, who knows. I am working on this and taking deep breaths and telling myself that my mom or dad don’t have to do what they are doing to help me and to be thankful and not dwell on minor insignificant things. I thought I was getting better until yesterday. Last night was really bad and my parents were willing to come and get me and my pup to stay with them but that made me even more depressed that this is what my life has come to.  I am so thankful to have my parents still when so many don’t but to have to depend on them depresses me. I feel like I’m whining or am ungrateful or maybe even acting like a baby with these feelings. I’m so conflicted and another issue is getting out of the house. I used to be the social “butterfly” of my group of friends. I enjoyed everything about going out and socializing. I went on at least 3 times a week. I loved this life and I was also working PT, so I had interaction with people on a daily basis. Since getting disability this has changed and I only leave the house for doctor appointments or lab work. It’s as if I literally can’t go out, it’s scary to me. I am laying here doped up because of pain medicine I need to keep the pain at bay but this is an unfortunate side effect. This also is another reason that I’m unable to go out often because folks would think this chick is high as hell. It’s kind of embarrassing. Another issue now is my insulin. I have to testy sugar before every meal and based on what it reads give myself a shot accordingly. At a table in a restaurant is not acceptable. I can barely keep my eyes open, until next time…….& no spell or error check💜