Where is she???

There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.

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How things change

Hello all, I hope everyone is doing well. I have some not so good news to report about my health. I do state I have lupus but rarely get into specifics of the disease. I have had issues with my kidneys for years but with a hospital stay and fluids they always recover. Well,my doctors have found that protein is spilling into my kidneys and it’s toxic. My kidney function is normally 60% and I’m at 30% now and with the toxin it will not bounce back. The 2 meds that are used to treat this condition have not worked for me. In my doctors words, our backs are up against the wall. This is not what I want to hear. Our next step is to triple my steroids and for me to get what is called “a blast” if high dose IV steroids for 3 consecutive days. Once I go back to the doctor in April if the level of protein hasn’t changed we must look at options of transplant. It’s funny because my doctor did not bring up transplant I did, that is why I love him he doesn’t want to anticipate it not working or getting me worked up on the possibility of it not working. I also asked a question in reference to treatment. If lupus is taken off the table and a person has toxic protein spilling into their kidneys are there treatments that they get that can be tried on me. He’s looking into this option as well. My family is so positive and trying to keep me up as well. But the fears and doubts creep in and I’m so so scared. If you have read this and you believe in the power of prayer, please pray for me and my healing. Thank you and God bless.

Moody or Crazy????

Having a conversation with my sister and mom the other day and as always we talked about a variety of topics, I then let them know about my menopause and they were shocked but at this point nothing really catches them way off guard when it comes to me and my medical issues.  They are both very supportive with whatever I need at this point and that feels very good. When I told my dad he responded by saying, yeah I think that is what your moms went through a few years back, you are kind of young aren’t you? I told him it can happen to women in their 20’s. He was silent for a moment, yeah so do you have to have surgery for it. I was a little confused so I asked what he meant by surgery, he said to remove it. It? At this point I am cracking up with laughter, I told him it wasn’t a hysterectomy it was menopause and then as I thought about it, my mom had had a hysterectomy years back and he was confusing the two. So I explained that menopause is a women’s body doing the natural part that it is suppose to do at a certain point in her life. He understood and then we went on to talk about politics as usual…lol. I love my dad. Getting back to the conversation with my sister and mom, the topic of being moody came up in talking about their spouses. My dad is very moody and you never quite know who you may get on any given day. He could be so happy and jovial or very quiet and almost as if you have personally done something to upset him and he’s mad at you.  I, unfortunately, am the exact same way. I have been this way since I can remember but, now from lupus and being on several meds that alter my moods dramatically, it has gotten worse.  My sister made a comment that I was crazy, this offended me greatly.  I don’t believe to be moody makes you crazy in all instances.  I am also aware that my moodiness will make it extremely difficult if the time comes for me to connect with a man. I am a lot to take and I understand this. I think this is another reason why I have accepted being alone for my life. I am not sad about this but it concerns me because I do want to connect with people and not drive them away with the way that I act towards them at times. I can be so mean and cruel to my mom and sister specifically and then as soon as the remarks come out of my mouth I regret them. I go to apologize but I’ve done this so often it means nothing to them and they don’t believe me.  They do accept it and tell me I need to work on this particular problem but I haven’t.  I know my family accepts my apology but will someone that can simply walk away and doesn’t have to stay do the same. I doubt it. I have to figure out how to think before I speak. I am a sarcastic person as well and I will make remarks towards a stranger or a friend if I feel it’s a clever thing to say. This may insult someone or even offend them but it’s how I am. I have worked on this and I no longer have a loose tongue with those I do not know. Friends are still not off limits but, I don’t see them often enough these days to even attempt to have a conversation let alone be sarcastic.  When I think of crazy, I think of slitting someone’s tires or keying their car not having an attitude for no reason whatsoever.  This is also what terrifies me and lets me know I am not ready for a relationship. I never know what mood I will be in from one minute to the next and this is no way to ensure that  I will have a healthy relationship when I act this way. I must address this problem before I try my hand at a relationship.  I am ok with being single for the rest of my life but I would love companionship even if it never leads to marriage. Someone that I can talk to and confide in and that I know cares about my wellbeing and has my back, I guess that is a spouse, but not necessarily.  I do miss dating and putting on my pretty face to go out and be a lady and sexy. I do miss that part of my life. It’s hard because right now, everyday I feel as though I have bricks tied to my ankles, my legs are so heavy with every step I take and the achiness is unimaginable on so many levels. I hate to talk about it because it seems I am just tying to garnish sympathy when fact it is just how I feel day to day and it’s my truth. When I am asked how I am feeling I just say ok, it’s easier and I don’t feel as though I’m begging for sympathy. So am I moody or crazy?  Honestly, I think I’m a little of both.  I will not take the time to follow you around town, or go through your emails, or your text messages. But I will ask questions if I feel as though what you have told me doesn’t add up. I can’t promise that I won’t say something smart or sarcastic from time to time if you leave an opening for me to do so. I am croody, my new term combining the two. Yep, that is me.

Again

Tomorrow is another surgery for me. This will be my third on my knee.  I am having more problems because of my chronic illness and medications that cause me to not heal like your average bear. But it is cool, it is my life and I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I have constant support from my family and my close girlfriends are always awesome. Especially my lupie sister, Stacey, she is almost an extension of me because we go through alot of the same issues. I am nervous, I am not going to lie, but it is in God’s hands, the best hands. I haven’t written in awhile, I really don’t know why, I really haven’t felt inspired or motivated. My life is headed in a different direction. I am able to do things that I never dreamed of and it’s exciting. Still dealing with lupus everyday dampers it just a bit, but I am learning to really appreciate my good days. It is a process but I am coming along. I feel as though God is handing me a new life on a platter with a note stating “What are you going to do with it”?  My cousin, Keith, recently died and he suffered an accident years ago that unfortunately ended his marriage, his career, and ultimately his life. But while he lived he truly lived. We were not close but we had a connection that I believe we both felt. I mention him because, I want to live my life because he can’t, I am here and he isn’t.  There is a reason for that. I had no clue this post was going to go in this direction, but I type as I feel. Wherever my mind goes is where my fingers go. Some people don’t understand blogs and writing online and sharing with others. I try to explain in this way. For me, I am unable to get out and socialize alot and this is my way of keeping that part of my life alive. And I love to write and it is therapy for me. What I do is not for everyone to get and I don’t get what others choose to do. We all simply do what makes us happy and makes us feel good and hopefully have no regrets. Well, maybe a few regrets that at least we can live with.