I am patiently waiting for my soulmate to come my way and honestly I am thinking that maybe I may not have one. I am 40 now and by now I thought that I would be married and settled into my life as a wife and step mom. I have tried online dating off and on for over 10 years with no luck. I recently started again and emailed a gentleman for a few days and then we had our first and only conversation. It was great, so I thought, and I never heard from him again. This seems to be what happens to me, I am obviously doing something wrong and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The guy even texted me the next morning to tell me how much he enjoyed our conversation and then nothing. This, in my opinion is God telling me, a relationship is not for me right now. This is so hard for me to accept because I so deeply want to fall in love and be in love. I recently came across a saying that in a nutshell, states that when something you think rejected you is actually making room for something better to enter your life. I try to read this and believe it but a part of me just can’t, there have been so many rejections with nothing better entering afterwards. It seems I have disappointment after disappointment in reference to dating. I truly love having my own home and I am proud of myself for this accomplishment but I hate hate hate living alone. It really sucks for me. I am not sure if it’s because of me having lupus and not being able to get out a lot, so to have someone here that I can interact with on a daily basis is a huge bonus. If I were given an opportunity to marry at first sight, this is a new show, I would sign up so fast and just hope for the best. I am also open to having a roommate but it would have to be a long time friend or a family member, male or female. I hear some people say that they are alone but they are not lonely, well I am both. Having lupus, getting sick and struggling with a chronic illness that has me in pain 99% of the time while I’m alone, in my opinion, makes my pain worse. I need comforting, I need physical contact, hugs, kisses, things that aren’t possible over the phone. This may sound baby-ish but hey, it’s me and it’s what I need. I know a roommate will most probably NOT do this but just having a body near me is also comforting. I don’t think I am asking for a lot or am I? The loneliest feeling is when I have a lupus flare at night and I am crying out and praying out to God to take the pain away and there is no one to hear me. I feel so incredibly alone. If I flare during the day I can at least call someone to get comforted but who is up at 2am or 4am to have a conversation to comfort someone. My parents are still there for me, telling me to come over whenever or they will offer to come get me, their home is comforting in itself and of course my parents are the best medicine ever. I am figuring it out, slowly but surely. I feel as though I will never get completely comfortable in this house. Mostly due to my illness and simply not wanting to be alone when I am in pain. I pray that God leads me to my husband so I won’t have to be alone any longer. I don’t even have to be 100% attracted to him, but he must be good to me, be a hard worker, and a very supportive person. I believe everything else will fall into place. A good friend and romance will come in time. I even get arranged marriages at this point, it’s your family and his finding the best person for you, that is awesome, unless either person is in love with someone else. I am hoping soon future posts will include me dating and my life steering towards a future with someone special. I guess I can always hope for that. I have no clue what God’s plan is for me. I will just continue to live and love and be around my friends and exude positivity and hope that he is drawn to me and my storybook romance can begin.
For the past two days I have been unable to put weight on my right leg, due to combination lupus and acl tear. It’s weird because you get used to getting around and not having flares for awhile and you get a bit spoiled…then reality hits. It’s days like yesterday and the day before that I am so thankful that I have my parents to help me out. But it makes me aware that that won’t always be the case. It is scary to think the thought but it’s reality. At 37, I know it’s time to gain more independence and obviously my prince charming isn’t making an appearance in this plotline sooooooooo it’s on me, myself, and I. On another note, Nick Cannon diagnosed with a form of lupus…I am sure he will be a survivor and hoping he will draw even more attention to the disease to help all lupies.