Visitors 

Recently I’ve had two childhood friends want to visit me. One that lives out of town and the other is local. I am hesitant because I feel as though I have nothing to contribute as far as conversation except my failing medical condition and that is highly boring. My mom is telling me that I should see them and just talk and catch up and if nothing else listen to them talk about their life and how it is. This would be great if I were close to having what I thought I would have at this time in my life and I do not. My life is depressing and sad and to hear someone talk about what I thought I would have at 42 is further depressing.  I am happy for my friends having spouses and children but, I do not and I won’t because of this disease that has robbed me of everything. I know it could be much worse but what it is is pretty bad to say the least. I feel like I don’t want to be seen by anyone with the exception of family and my sister friend, whom I will see next weekend and I am so so so excited. The plan is for her to come up from or over from Indy and Saturday we will get together early go to lunch and just spend the day together talking, me venting to her and just having a come to Jesus session   Which I really need right now, I wish my sis could be there but she’s going to a wedding of a coworker. I’m not sure if we will chill at my moms house because that is where I’m staying right now or my house. I think my house would be better. I will also have to convince her to talk a selfie and ,et me post it on FB, for some reason it makes me feel human and that I’m doing something besides sitting in the house but, I will respect her wishes if she says no and simply have her take my pic saying I’m out with my sister friend…lol!!  I told my sis about the outing and her response through text seemed a bit different. I skied her if she felt left out and she said no but I sensed something different. She has been looking forward to this wedding for awhile and I had forgotten and I asked her if she wanted me to go with her but, her hubby is going. It’s hard to read my sis and then trying though text is damn near impossible. At this point I can only go by what she has typed me. So now an update on my health. It’s not great. My kidney biosy went ok but while they were in there they injured my kidney causing a tiny bleed. I then had very bad back pain afterwards and was told it was because of laying flat for 24 hours after the procedure. I’ve since been hospitalized for it and after X-rays was to,d it was probably muscle or skeletol issues not the bleed from the injury. I also had other issues as far as my creatinine being high and my BUN which deals with the kidneys being very high and my iron being extremely low. I was watched for a few days and then let go. It looks like I will be starting dialysis a lot sooner than we had initially anticipated, which is totally scary on a whole other level. I was told that I would be placed at the top of the list but, would be told I need to lose weight to put me even higher on the list. I am hoping my sister is a match for me but, you never know. Ice also had several of my high s hold friends offer to be donors if they match, which blew my mind. I to,d them as we get closer to that I would keep them informed on what they would need to do. I see the love that others have for me and it’s truly overwhelming. They are telling me that they want to see me or simply come over and sit with me to talk to cry or whatever, it’s just so nice of them. I don’t ask for help ever and they are waiting for me to. I have everything I need from my parents and I’m well taken of. I tell them that but, I guess companionship from friends is what I do need because it is missing in my life. Back to health, to get my weight down I may have to have the sleeve operation and after losing weight from that my doc doesn’t think it will be long before I am matched because I will go even further up on the list. It’s all very scary and at the same time I hope it works in my favor. It’s 5:10 am and I haven’t been to sleep yet. It happens this way sometimes, despite taking my sleep aid and pain meds I’m up all night because of my insomnia. I am thinking my friend from  ,out of town I will visit with but, the local friend I may ponder that a bit and the reason is the relationships were completely different. Any advice is welcome. A bit more info is that the out of town friend is a female that I’ve know since I was about 7 or 8 years old the other I met as a teen and he is a male who I got very close to for years after. That is all I will say so figure it out..lol. It would be a very innocent meeting between us since he’s married now but he has a very big heart when it comes to those he cares about. I will keep,you updated.

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Again

Tomorrow is another surgery for me. This will be my third on my knee.  I am having more problems because of my chronic illness and medications that cause me to not heal like your average bear. But it is cool, it is my life and I’ve learned to roll with the punches. I have constant support from my family and my close girlfriends are always awesome. Especially my lupie sister, Stacey, she is almost an extension of me because we go through alot of the same issues. I am nervous, I am not going to lie, but it is in God’s hands, the best hands. I haven’t written in awhile, I really don’t know why, I really haven’t felt inspired or motivated. My life is headed in a different direction. I am able to do things that I never dreamed of and it’s exciting. Still dealing with lupus everyday dampers it just a bit, but I am learning to really appreciate my good days. It is a process but I am coming along. I feel as though God is handing me a new life on a platter with a note stating “What are you going to do with it”?  My cousin, Keith, recently died and he suffered an accident years ago that unfortunately ended his marriage, his career, and ultimately his life. But while he lived he truly lived. We were not close but we had a connection that I believe we both felt. I mention him because, I want to live my life because he can’t, I am here and he isn’t.  There is a reason for that. I had no clue this post was going to go in this direction, but I type as I feel. Wherever my mind goes is where my fingers go. Some people don’t understand blogs and writing online and sharing with others. I try to explain in this way. For me, I am unable to get out and socialize alot and this is my way of keeping that part of my life alive. And I love to write and it is therapy for me. What I do is not for everyone to get and I don’t get what others choose to do. We all simply do what makes us happy and makes us feel good and hopefully have no regrets. Well, maybe a few regrets that at least we can live with.