There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.
I am not even going to lie, as I lay here in pain from lupus and a throbbing headache. I scroll through IG and see all of the couples celebrating Valentines and I so desire to be in love. With my recent more serious health battles I wonder if I will ever experience love at all. Will I ever hear the words, I love you from a man that truly does. Or will I be asked the question that most women dream of, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife? I’ve always wondered what a woman does to get a man to fall that deeply in love with her. Because I’ve never been able to do it. I have a girlfriend that is on her 3rd marriage and in my mind she has gotten 3 men to go to a jewelry store with her in mind and pick out a ring to ask that question. How did she do this? Granted the first 2 didn’t last but that isn’t my point at the moment. I hope it’s in my future, it’s not that I feel as though I don’t have as much time because of my condition but, it’s like my time is running out because of my age. I believe I will be healed in the name of Jesus. I have been reading scriptures that have opened my eyes magnificently to this fact and I will hold fast to this belief. My health far outweighs falling in love and that is my focus, my thought is when put in a situation as in bad health you begin to think of everything that you never accomplished or things that you desired and never obtained. It’s almost as if it maybe to late but, that is the devil trying to tell you that your end is near and accept it and I won’t do that. I won’t allow him to gain entrance into my mind and convince me otherwise. I’m here and I’m here to stay, if I fall in love or not, I’m going to here to live a long and full life. He’s not done with me yet. I haven’t gotten a chance to live out the second part or the best part of my life. I have so much to see and so much to do and accomplish, it’s simply not over yet. He said that every cell, tissue, organ,and system in my body, as well as every thought in my mind and heart lines up with Isaiah 53:5 “by Jesus’ stripes I am healed. I don’t judge how well I am, by the sight of my eyes or by the feelings in my body, “For I walk by faith, not by sight” II Corinthians 5:7. This is what I hold onto and this is what will be my strength to pull me through this. He is with me during this battle and he will never leave my side. So for this reason He is my Valentine, I need or want no other, he has shown me love, devotion, stability, empathy, sympathy, compassion, a shoulder to cry on, and simply been there when I didn’t even realize I needed Him to be. God is LOVE. AMEN.
Have you ever felt that something is about to happen. You can’t really explain why you feel this way, but you just do. I am now 40 and have not been on a date in probably 3 years or so. I am actually fine with that because I have had 6 surgeries since 2011, so the last thing on my brain has been dating. Now I am better and my focus is on finding someone that I can grow with and possibly build a life with. I am in a new place in my life, I am in a place I thought I would never be and I feel as though why not, I can have love too. I know it’s up to God, so I depend on him for my happiness. I pray for what I need and want, just being honest, and hope that I am granted my wishes, I trust in him to give me what I need and that is enough. I do want to be married but that is not for me to decide. I have spoken it and He knows I want it. I will carry on doing me, improving me, studying me, working on my health program and getting into a groove to be able to get out as often as possible and not be a fixture in my house everyday. Living with my sis is going well, but it is an experience to say the least. We do things differently and I am a control freak like my mom. But we love each other at the end of the day so it all works out. We do argue about minor things, which is so dumb, but that is how we are. I am so grateful she is here to stay with me temporarily. I just love having her close to me. I used to pray for a husband, wherever he was in his life and the this steps were being made to cross my path. I would always say, at this point he can’t be getting further away he has to be getting closer to me. Well, that was about 10 years or so ago and he hasn’t shown up yet. I sometimes think that maybe finding my true love just isn’t in my cards, maybe I am meant to find true love in another form. I try to focus on that possibility, but my heart always goes back to my soul mate and being granted the desires of my heart. I will do well in this life, be obedient, learn, and love. That is all that I can do. Like I stated earlier God knows my heart and he hasn’t let me down and he won’t, this I know for sure. I am becoming cross eyed I am so sleepy. It is 4:23 am, I have insomnia and it is horrible, but when the sleep falls down on me it hits me hard. Soooooo night night!!