There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.
I haven’t had many relationships in my life. But I must say that the ones I have had have been to great guys. In high school, college, after college, and into adulthood. One thing that is the common denominator is me and my drama filled personality in all of the relationships. This most probably led to the demise of each one. With social media, Facebook, Instagram, I get to see how they have moved on and are all happily married. It saddens me to an extent that I have never had a man get on his knee and want to spend the rest of their life with me at 40 years old. I have friends that have been married 3x, what did they do to get 3 men to propose, when at this point I can’t pay a man to take me out. I am getting to a point to where I am over it. I know that my life is as a single woman with no children. It used to make me sad, but now it doesn’t and that is because I have accepted it. I go through a lot on a daily basis and to expect a man to fit into my life will be difficult. I am not an active person because of my health, I am sick a lot and this isn’t a person that men are lining up to be with. My looks have faded as I have gotten older so it is what it is. I am scarred all over my body from surgeries, procedures, picc lines, ivs, and side effects of medicines that make me bruise so easily it looks as though I am in a physical fight on a regular basis. This isn’t meant to be a sad or negative post. It is honest. I am beyond blessed with what I have in this life and I am content with that. I used to think that my life couldn’t be complete without a husband and kids to call my own. I now know that is not true. I see what my ex’s have and I wish them the best but, that is their life not mine. I see my classmates with husbands and children but once again their life not mine. God has given me so much more than I need and at one time it wasn’t enough because it wasn’t what I thought I needed. What I have is enough, more than enough and I am grateful. Yes, every single man that I have ever dated is married with children and that is fine for them and I hope they all are very happy. My life is my life and is for me. It took me a long time to get to this place but I am so glad and proud of myself that I am here now.
-I have learned to be mistreated is to accept that I am not worthy. I refuse to let myself be taken down a path that ultimately doesn’t lead to my heart’s happiness. I am aware of everything happening for a reason and everyone entering my life for a reason. In some cases to make me stronger and in some cases to make me aware of my vulnerability. The key is to LOVE myself first and others will have no choice but to follow suit.
Floating like a Butterfly
By Erika H.