New chapter

It has been confirmed, at 41, I am going through menopause. I was reading my labs and it was a little difficult but it seems a normal range of your hormone level while going through menopause is at max 67 and I am at 122. This is normally in women going through menopause at a very late age, usually around 70-75. My doctors call me an enigma and this just helps that theory. My doctors response after the lab results was “serious menopause, WOW, no wonder you are so hot” in addition to this I am having another form of lupus starting to show its ugly head on parts of my body, so fun!  My medications have been adjusted to hopefully stabilize this as well, it is called discoid lupus, basically lupus of the skin.  I also will see my gynecologist in January to discuss my options moving forward with the hysterectomy.  I am also still having kidney disease and we have to wait and see if the medication I’m taking now will reduce the amount of protein spilling into my kidneys causing them to slowly shut down. Worst case scenario I will need a transplant, I think I have spoken on this on a previous post. Surprisingly I have not been praying  for myself lately. It is a little boy with a brain tumor that is fighting for his life. He literally had symptoms one day and by day 3 was in the hospital unable to walk or talk and losing most of his bodily functions. He has since started to turn around but his prognosis is not good. He is who I pray for as well as thousands of others, his story is not only on television but on FB and I thank God for everything he’s provided me with but to save Kyler Bradley, he is just a baby compared to me and going through so much more with an entire life to live.  It’s funny how despite what you may be troubled with in your life it’s so easy to just place that to the side when you come across someone else that is worse off than you are. I don’t feel like I am a strong person at all, I let lupus defeat me. I cry and have pity parties for myself and feel as though I’m letting it win. There are t shirts and sweatshirts with sayings like “I may have lupus but it will never have me” or “I am fighting lupus like a girl” I feel like such a fraud when I wear these types of things because I am not fighting, I am a sucker, I give in to the pain and cry to my mother. I see so many of my lupie sisters working and doing things for their families and here I am at home day to day literally scared to go out and with no motivation and I blame lupus. I have let lupus hold me hostage and it’s gotten comfortable. I’ve spoken of this previously but I am going to a therapist. I have been motivated because I want to live a more social life and be around people. My parents and sister are extremely supportive  of me seeking help.  I am excited for my future once I begin to learn how to deal with certain issues that arise in my life. I tend to surrender easily and blame everything on lupus. I feel meditation may help me in getting through the painful flares that come with lupus, that at times seem to never end, even with pain medication. I ask that anyone reading this to whomever you pray to or worship prayer for me.


Moody or Crazy????

Having a conversation with my sister and mom the other day and as always we talked about a variety of topics, I then let them know about my menopause and they were shocked but at this point nothing really catches them way off guard when it comes to me and my medical issues.  They are both very supportive with whatever I need at this point and that feels very good. When I told my dad he responded by saying, yeah I think that is what your moms went through a few years back, you are kind of young aren’t you? I told him it can happen to women in their 20’s. He was silent for a moment, yeah so do you have to have surgery for it. I was a little confused so I asked what he meant by surgery, he said to remove it. It? At this point I am cracking up with laughter, I told him it wasn’t a hysterectomy it was menopause and then as I thought about it, my mom had had a hysterectomy years back and he was confusing the two. So I explained that menopause is a women’s body doing the natural part that it is suppose to do at a certain point in her life. He understood and then we went on to talk about politics as usual…lol. I love my dad. Getting back to the conversation with my sister and mom, the topic of being moody came up in talking about their spouses. My dad is very moody and you never quite know who you may get on any given day. He could be so happy and jovial or very quiet and almost as if you have personally done something to upset him and he’s mad at you.  I, unfortunately, am the exact same way. I have been this way since I can remember but, now from lupus and being on several meds that alter my moods dramatically, it has gotten worse.  My sister made a comment that I was crazy, this offended me greatly.  I don’t believe to be moody makes you crazy in all instances.  I am also aware that my moodiness will make it extremely difficult if the time comes for me to connect with a man. I am a lot to take and I understand this. I think this is another reason why I have accepted being alone for my life. I am not sad about this but it concerns me because I do want to connect with people and not drive them away with the way that I act towards them at times. I can be so mean and cruel to my mom and sister specifically and then as soon as the remarks come out of my mouth I regret them. I go to apologize but I’ve done this so often it means nothing to them and they don’t believe me.  They do accept it and tell me I need to work on this particular problem but I haven’t.  I know my family accepts my apology but will someone that can simply walk away and doesn’t have to stay do the same. I doubt it. I have to figure out how to think before I speak. I am a sarcastic person as well and I will make remarks towards a stranger or a friend if I feel it’s a clever thing to say. This may insult someone or even offend them but it’s how I am. I have worked on this and I no longer have a loose tongue with those I do not know. Friends are still not off limits but, I don’t see them often enough these days to even attempt to have a conversation let alone be sarcastic.  When I think of crazy, I think of slitting someone’s tires or keying their car not having an attitude for no reason whatsoever.  This is also what terrifies me and lets me know I am not ready for a relationship. I never know what mood I will be in from one minute to the next and this is no way to ensure that  I will have a healthy relationship when I act this way. I must address this problem before I try my hand at a relationship.  I am ok with being single for the rest of my life but I would love companionship even if it never leads to marriage. Someone that I can talk to and confide in and that I know cares about my wellbeing and has my back, I guess that is a spouse, but not necessarily.  I do miss dating and putting on my pretty face to go out and be a lady and sexy. I do miss that part of my life. It’s hard because right now, everyday I feel as though I have bricks tied to my ankles, my legs are so heavy with every step I take and the achiness is unimaginable on so many levels. I hate to talk about it because it seems I am just tying to garnish sympathy when fact it is just how I feel day to day and it’s my truth. When I am asked how I am feeling I just say ok, it’s easier and I don’t feel as though I’m begging for sympathy. So am I moody or crazy?  Honestly, I think I’m a little of both.  I will not take the time to follow you around town, or go through your emails, or your text messages. But I will ask questions if I feel as though what you have told me doesn’t add up. I can’t promise that I won’t say something smart or sarcastic from time to time if you leave an opening for me to do so. I am croody, my new term combining the two. Yep, that is me.


After sending my primary doc a message that I had been having hot flashes my title was his response. I then responded “you have to be kidding me”. At 41, but I have heard of women going through it in their 20’s. I go through a lot with lupus, coronary artery disease, chronic kidney disease, anemia, ulcers on my colon, and numerous side effects from medications. But this was one thing that I thought would not happen until much later in my life. I have never been married and have no children and honestly I’ve never wanted children but this occurrence is still affecting me in an unexpected way. I have had abnormal Pap smears for years and followed by biopsies, colposcopies, and several LEEP procedures (if you aren’t familiar, google it). In a nutshell, every time I’ve gone to the gyno for the past 10+ years I’ve had to have at least 2 additional procedures because of abnormalities and over time statistically it will become cancerous. I was expecting to get a hysterectomy in 2016, but menopause beat me to the punch. Unfortunately, despite my body doing this I still will have to undergo the hysterectomy to assure that I will not develop cancer later on. I’m on board with this 100%. But putting menopause in the mix wasn’t expected and is surprisingly saddening me. I am emotional on all levels, but I am also realistic with what hand God has given me. Some days it’s hard to accept and those are really bad days but they are moments that I somehow survive even though I feel as though it’s going to kill me because it hurts so bad.  I went to my nephrologist today and we were going over my labs and my condition, despite changing medications isn’t improving but, good news it isn’t getting worse. I then told him about my recent bout with shingles for the 3rd time and that I am going through menopause. He looked at me and said “my darling, you simply can’t catch a break” it was so funny coming from a little Indian man with a deep accent. So I will be getting tested the end of this month to solidify that I am in fact going through menopause and once that is verified I will go ahead and schedule my hysterectomy. I hear some women say they feel less than a woman after menopause or the surgery. I don’t feel that way.  Once a month I have the most unpleasant experience that lasts 7 days and I am looking forward to no longer having aunt flo visit, sorry if that is a little to much info but, it is what it is. This whole thing is hitting me hard and I will have to take some time to adjust and accept. That is my life, I’m thrown medical issues at every turn of life and I just roll with it. As most folks drive along a straight path with dips and highs and lows here and there. I not only deal with the dips and the highs and lows but I also have to take many detours along the way and I feel as though I can’t catch up to my counterparts ever. It was at my employer when I worked and those that I trained surpassed me. Not only was it difficult to keep up because of my illness but, depression set in watching those around me get promoted and my job performance suffered from that as well.  I am going way off topic here. So I’m done . I wish you all the best.