Where is she???

There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.

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My mom

As I get older I fear losing her every day. I dread the day I may get a call that something has happened to her, maybe not necessarily death but just that she has been injured in anyway. I received a call from my dad over the summer that he had been in a car accident and simply him being able to make the call assured me it wasn’t that serious. The only loss was his 1992 Honda Accord that he cherished and still mentions to this day. I depend on both of my parents due to my limited physical ability because of lupus. My dad does more of the footwork for me but when I’m ill the only thing that gets me through it is my mom. I haven’t figured out a way to mend myself without hearing her voice. I am wanting her to record her voice comforting me and I keep putting it off but I will no longer do this, because we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us. I want to do so many things with her but I barely have energy to do the basic things for myself. I love just taking advantage of rides to my doctors appointments with either one of my parents just to have that one on one time with them. I always ask my mom to take me places for that additional time together as well. She always seems to have an excuse that she has to get out very early and this is a problem for me so it never seems to work out. I guess if I were honest and tell her I just want to spend time with her it would make a difference but, I just don’t. My dad is flexible I can call him at noon and ask him to take me somewhere at 2 and he is ready. My sister is way more independent than I am and has been since she was 18. Angie couldn’t wait to get out of the house and I tried to stay and then come back as often as possible thereafter. We are so different but she is my best friend in the world. We made up a secret handshake today, it’s so cheesy but it’s really cute and just seemed right for a 41 and 47 a year old to do…lol. I think about death often, I am not sure if it’s because I fear it or I just know I’m closer to experiencing it the older I get. It’s 2016 and I want to embrace life and let go of fear. With the terrorism we have faced as a country and in our world I have stopped doing a lot of things I never second guessed before. I don’t go to libraries because of the  access of the building to anyone wanting to cause harm, I never started going to bible study for obvious reasons, and also no movies for me until they are released and I can watch them in the safety of my own home. I have let fear dictate a lot of what I don’t do and I’ve been ok with it but I’m bored, I’m sad that this is how my life is at this moment. I’m not satisfied anymore, I’ve been content living this way but no longer and my mom and how she continues to live her life is my motivation. My mom goes where she wants when she wants and fear isn’t a factor. I truly admire that in her. Yes, there are others that also have not let fear stop them from living and experiencing things but my mom has always been the woman I look to for direction and I’ve admired her my entire life. She would absolutely not like me writing this about her because she is a very private person and feels you don’t make certain things public, it’s not necessary. She doesn’t understand FB or any social media sites in which you share thoughts or photos with people you rarely know, it’s vey strange to her. At one point she didn’t want her picture on my social media period but, she has kind of given in to that a bit as long as she approves the picture first…lol. She and my dad also step in as good grandparents to Reece, my 19 month old Shih Tzu puppy when I need help while I’m sick. I must say my parents are the best in every way. Obviously there are somethings that we argue about and disagree on but at the end of the day you choose what is important over what’s not. My mom, my love, my friend. The woman that taught me how to be a lady, how to be proper, how to carry myself accordingly, how to enter a room with dignity, how to respect everyone and never not demand it in return. My mom is my sHERO.

Still in pain

its day 3 and the pain is continuing along with the depression. I gave cried so much the last 3 days it’s ridiculous. I am trying to dwell on what I have and my blessings but it very difficult when you are in pain while doing this. My mom came over yesterday to cook and I snapped at her and I promise you I didn’t mean to but this is a pattern for me. I mistreat those around me that are helping me. I am not sure why, I think it could be because I’m frustrated that I can’t do for myself and need help, who knows. I am working on this and taking deep breaths and telling myself that my mom or dad don’t have to do what they are doing to help me and to be thankful and not dwell on minor insignificant things. I thought I was getting better until yesterday. Last night was really bad and my parents were willing to come and get me and my pup to stay with them but that made me even more depressed that this is what my life has come to.  I am so thankful to have my parents still when so many don’t but to have to depend on them depresses me. I feel like I’m whining or am ungrateful or maybe even acting like a baby with these feelings. I’m so conflicted and another issue is getting out of the house. I used to be the social “butterfly” of my group of friends. I enjoyed everything about going out and socializing. I went on at least 3 times a week. I loved this life and I was also working PT, so I had interaction with people on a daily basis. Since getting disability this has changed and I only leave the house for doctor appointments or lab work. It’s as if I literally can’t go out, it’s scary to me. I am laying here doped up because of pain medicine I need to keep the pain at bay but this is an unfortunate side effect. This also is another reason that I’m unable to go out often because folks would think this chick is high as hell. It’s kind of embarrassing. Another issue now is my insulin. I have to testy sugar before every meal and based on what it reads give myself a shot accordingly. At a table in a restaurant is not acceptable. I can barely keep my eyes open, until next time…….& no spell or error check💜

My parents, I love them but…

It’s hard to be 38 and living at home.  It is an absolute pleasure and blessing when I am sick, but once I am better not so much.  I know I am their child, but at the same time I am an adult and I have opinions of an adult.  It is sometimes hard to not see the line that separates child from adult.  I have things that I want to say, but according to my father I need to know my place in his house.  That being said, it’s time to get the hell out.  I am able financially so what is stopping me. Me.  I am so comfortable in my parent’s home, but life is not about being comfortable, it’s about living and getting to know who you are and at 38, I’ve yet to learn that.  It’s time, beyond time.

Leaving the nest

Ok, so I am back in the nest, temporarily, but it’s time to make a move.  Being on your own is something that all adults need to do. Whether you are healthy or not, you need independence.  Filing for disability is moving slow so I have plenty of time before my hearing and honestly living with my parents isn’t the best emotional and mental arrangement for me right now.  I know my parents love me but I need to be alone sometime and have my own space.  Also, in doing so would open up the possibility of me getting medicaid, which is extremely cheaper than what my parents pay now for my monthly premium insurance.  To me it’s a no brainer, but I have to weigh all of my options and decide what is best for me.  My mom has her opinion of what I should do with my money and I do respect that.  Honestly, I normally do what she says because it’s easier and I am in her house.  But Uhhhhhhhh, I am 38 years old and not 5 which is how I’m treated alot of the time.  I must admit I do appreciate knowing that they are here to care for me when I need it but I want them to let me go when I’m well also.  Erika has to be an adult and learn how to live with a chronic illness alone and take care of herself.  FINALLY. Thanks Sissy. LYSM.