Where is she???

There was a woman walking from a Bible study group a few homes away from my parents home maybe 6 months ago. She called out my dog by name, yet didn’t know his name, she asked my mom if she was the owner and mom told her no, that i was. She walked up to my mom and said, I pray for your daughter’s health and I see cancer and was using her hand to go in a circular motion in front of her stomach. My mom told her I didn’t have cancer but I had lupus and kidney involvement so she assumed she was referring to that. We were blown away by this woman but really didn’t think any more of the cancer until a few weeks ago when i was diagnosed. i wish i could talk to her, maybe she was an angel just meant to inform my mom of what was to come. whatever or whoever she was i am grateful for her.

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He’s my Valentine

I am not even going to lie, as I lay here in pain from lupus and a throbbing headache. I scroll through IG and see all of the couples celebrating Valentines and I so desire to be in love. With my recent more serious health battles I wonder if I will ever experience love at all.  Will I ever hear the words, I love you from a man that truly does. Or will I be asked the question that most women dream of, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my  wife? I’ve always wondered what a woman does to get a man to fall that deeply in love with her. Because I’ve never been able to do it. I have a girlfriend that is on her 3rd marriage and in my mind she has gotten 3 men to go to a jewelry store with her in mind and pick out a ring to ask that question. How did she do this? Granted the first 2 didn’t last but that isn’t my point at the moment. I hope it’s in my future, it’s not that I feel as though I don’t have as much time because of my condition but, it’s like my time is running out because of my age. I believe I will be healed in the name of Jesus. I have been reading scriptures that have opened my eyes magnificently to this fact and I will hold fast to this belief. My health far outweighs falling in love and that is my focus, my thought is when put in a situation as in bad health you begin to think of everything that you never accomplished or things that you desired and never obtained. It’s almost as if it maybe to late but, that is the devil trying to tell you that your end is near and accept it and I won’t do that. I won’t allow him to gain entrance into my mind and convince me otherwise. I’m here and I’m here to stay, if I fall in love or not, I’m going to here to live a long and full life. He’s not done with me yet. I haven’t gotten a chance to live out the second part or the best part of my life. I have so much to see and so much to do and accomplish, it’s simply not over yet. He said that every cell, tissue, organ,and system in my body, as well as every thought in my mind and heart lines up with Isaiah 53:5 “by Jesus’ stripes I am healed. I don’t judge how well I am, by the sight of my eyes or by the feelings in my body, “For I walk by faith, not by sight” II Corinthians 5:7. This is what I hold onto and this is what will be my strength to pull me through this. He is with me during this battle and he will never leave my side. So for this reason He is my Valentine, I need or want no other, he has shown me love, devotion, stability, empathy, sympathy, compassion, a shoulder to cry on, and simply been there when I didn’t even realize I needed Him to be. God is LOVE. AMEN.

My last IV treatment 

I only had 3 treatments but, the affects that the 2 nurses had on me will help me be forever changed. They cared for me as if I was a member of their own families. Their smiles lit me up every single day I arrived. I must insert, that they were also my nurses when I had my chemo treatments back in March until September. Nurses are very special people. They choose to take care of compete strangers and if they truly love what they do, that love is contagious to those they care for. Kathy and Debbie are two of these people. In my eyes, they are angels on earth. I thank them both forever and even though I don’t want to see them again, I would love to at the same time. This is me with Kathy. 

 

Valentines Day

❤️I want everyone who has love to APPRECIATE it, NOURISH it, WATER it so it may grow. NEVER take it for granted or let others convince you that you are not worthy of it. For those of us that don’t have a physical person to love…AHHHHH but, we do, it is OURSELF. APPRECIATE yourself, NURTURE yourself, HYDRATE yourself so that you may grow into the complete person you are meant to be. NEVER let anyone take you for granted or convince you that you can do no better than them. God bless you all. Happy Valentines Day my Loves!❤️ #honestyIN2016-Eributterfly

My mom

As I get older I fear losing her every day. I dread the day I may get a call that something has happened to her, maybe not necessarily death but just that she has been injured in anyway. I received a call from my dad over the summer that he had been in a car accident and simply him being able to make the call assured me it wasn’t that serious. The only loss was his 1992 Honda Accord that he cherished and still mentions to this day. I depend on both of my parents due to my limited physical ability because of lupus. My dad does more of the footwork for me but when I’m ill the only thing that gets me through it is my mom. I haven’t figured out a way to mend myself without hearing her voice. I am wanting her to record her voice comforting me and I keep putting it off but I will no longer do this, because we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us. I want to do so many things with her but I barely have energy to do the basic things for myself. I love just taking advantage of rides to my doctors appointments with either one of my parents just to have that one on one time with them. I always ask my mom to take me places for that additional time together as well. She always seems to have an excuse that she has to get out very early and this is a problem for me so it never seems to work out. I guess if I were honest and tell her I just want to spend time with her it would make a difference but, I just don’t. My dad is flexible I can call him at noon and ask him to take me somewhere at 2 and he is ready. My sister is way more independent than I am and has been since she was 18. Angie couldn’t wait to get out of the house and I tried to stay and then come back as often as possible thereafter. We are so different but she is my best friend in the world. We made up a secret handshake today, it’s so cheesy but it’s really cute and just seemed right for a 41 and 47 a year old to do…lol. I think about death often, I am not sure if it’s because I fear it or I just know I’m closer to experiencing it the older I get. It’s 2016 and I want to embrace life and let go of fear. With the terrorism we have faced as a country and in our world I have stopped doing a lot of things I never second guessed before. I don’t go to libraries because of the  access of the building to anyone wanting to cause harm, I never started going to bible study for obvious reasons, and also no movies for me until they are released and I can watch them in the safety of my own home. I have let fear dictate a lot of what I don’t do and I’ve been ok with it but I’m bored, I’m sad that this is how my life is at this moment. I’m not satisfied anymore, I’ve been content living this way but no longer and my mom and how she continues to live her life is my motivation. My mom goes where she wants when she wants and fear isn’t a factor. I truly admire that in her. Yes, there are others that also have not let fear stop them from living and experiencing things but my mom has always been the woman I look to for direction and I’ve admired her my entire life. She would absolutely not like me writing this about her because she is a very private person and feels you don’t make certain things public, it’s not necessary. She doesn’t understand FB or any social media sites in which you share thoughts or photos with people you rarely know, it’s vey strange to her. At one point she didn’t want her picture on my social media period but, she has kind of given in to that a bit as long as she approves the picture first…lol. She and my dad also step in as good grandparents to Reece, my 19 month old Shih Tzu puppy when I need help while I’m sick. I must say my parents are the best in every way. Obviously there are somethings that we argue about and disagree on but at the end of the day you choose what is important over what’s not. My mom, my love, my friend. The woman that taught me how to be a lady, how to be proper, how to carry myself accordingly, how to enter a room with dignity, how to respect everyone and never not demand it in return. My mom is my sHERO.

Angie and Skip July 10, 2004

10 years ago today was the beginning of the rest of your lives. On your first date you knew he was different, he made you happy and all of your free time was now his.
Labor Day weekend was the first date, the proposal was by Thanksgiving, and the marriage ceremony was July 10th, 2004. There have been bumps and obstacles along the way but the love was constant and never wavered.
The last 8 months have proven that the vowels that were spoken 10 years ago were not to be taken lightly. The love between the two of you is beyond the stars. Life has to happen in order for all of the pieces to fall perfectly together. Life happened November 21, 2013 that would forever change your lives. The love and devotion that has been witnessed is beyond words. Skip looked to you for everything and only wanted you and you looked to be there for Skip everyday, no questions asked. The love you exuded to each other was inspiring. Skip spoke no words, but his facial expressions said it all. With this storm a beautiful rainbow was inevitable.
Angie and Skip or Juicy and Booksey. A stroke tried to shake and possibly end the story of your love affair, but God had other plans. Life may try to break you but God is always there to put the once breakable pieces back together to make them unbreakable.

Happy Anniversary

Where is he???

I am patiently waiting for my soulmate to come my way and honestly I am thinking that maybe I may not have one. I am 40 now and by now I thought that I would be married and settled into my life as a wife and step mom. I have tried online dating off and on for over 10 years with no luck. I recently started again and emailed a gentleman for a few days and then we had our first and only conversation. It was great, so I thought, and I never heard from him again. This seems to be what happens to me, I am obviously doing something wrong and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The guy even texted me the next morning to tell me how much he enjoyed our conversation and then nothing. This, in my opinion is God telling me, a relationship is not for me right now. This is so hard for me to accept because I so deeply want to fall in love and be in love. I recently came across a saying that in a nutshell, states that when something you think rejected you is actually making room for something better to enter your life. I try to read this and believe it but a part of me just can’t, there have been so many rejections with nothing better entering afterwards. It seems I have disappointment after disappointment in reference to dating. I truly love having my own home and I am proud of myself for this accomplishment but I hate hate hate living alone. It really sucks for me. I am not sure if it’s because of me having lupus and not being able to get out a lot, so to have someone here that I can interact with on a daily basis is a huge bonus. If I were given an opportunity to marry at first sight, this is a new show, I would sign up so fast and just hope for the best. I am also open to having a roommate but it would have to be a long time friend or a family member, male or female. I hear some people say that they are alone but they are not lonely, well I am both. Having lupus, getting sick and struggling with a chronic illness that has me in pain 99% of the time while I’m alone, in my opinion, makes my pain worse. I need comforting, I need physical contact, hugs, kisses, things that aren’t possible over the phone. This may sound baby-ish but hey, it’s me and it’s what I need. I know a roommate will most probably NOT do this but just having a body near me is also comforting. I don’t think I am asking for a lot or am I? The loneliest feeling is when I have a lupus flare at night and I am crying out and praying out to God to take the pain away and there is no one to hear me. I feel so incredibly alone. If I flare during the day I can at least call someone to get comforted but who is up at 2am or 4am to have a conversation to comfort someone. My parents are still there for me, telling me to come over whenever or they will offer to come get me, their home is comforting in itself and of course my parents are the best medicine ever. I am figuring it out, slowly but surely. I feel as though I will never get completely comfortable in this house. Mostly due to my illness and simply not wanting to be alone when I am in pain. I pray that God leads me to my husband so I won’t have to be alone any longer. I don’t even have to be 100% attracted to him, but he must be good to me, be a hard worker, and a very supportive person. I believe everything else will fall into place. A good friend and romance will come in time. I even get arranged marriages at this point, it’s your family and his finding the best person for you, that is awesome, unless either person is in love with someone else. I am hoping soon future posts will include me dating and my life steering towards a future with someone special. I guess I can always hope for that. I have no clue what God’s plan is for me. I will just continue to live and love and be around my friends and exude positivity and hope that he is drawn to me and my storybook romance can begin.

Love is coming

Have you ever felt that something is about to happen. You can’t really explain why you feel this way, but you just do. I am now 40 and have not been on a date in probably 3 years or so. I am actually fine with that because I have had 6 surgeries since 2011, so the last thing on my brain has been dating. Now I am better and my focus is on finding someone that I can grow with and possibly build a life with. I am in a new place in my life, I am in a place I thought I would never be and I feel as though why not, I can have love too. I know it’s up to God, so I depend on him for my happiness. I pray for what I need and want, just being honest, and hope that I am granted my wishes, I trust in him to give me what I need and that is enough. I do want to be married but that is not for me to decide. I have spoken it and He knows I want it. I will carry on doing me, improving me, studying me, working on my health program and getting into a groove to be able to get out as often as possible and not be a fixture in my house everyday. Living with my sis is going well, but it is an experience to say the least. We do things differently and I am a control freak like my mom. But we love each other at the end of the day so it all works out. We do argue about minor things, which is so dumb, but that is how we are. I am so grateful she is here to stay with me temporarily. I just love having her close to me. I used to pray for a husband, wherever he was in his life and the this steps were being made to cross my path. I would always say, at this point he can’t be getting further away he has to be getting closer to me. Well, that was about 10 years or so ago and he hasn’t shown up yet. I sometimes think that maybe finding my true love just isn’t in my cards, maybe I am meant to find true love in another form. I try to focus on that possibility, but my heart always goes back to my soul mate and being granted the desires of my heart. I will do well in this life, be obedient, learn, and love. That is all that I can do. Like I stated earlier God knows my heart and he hasn’t let me down and he won’t, this I know for sure. I am becoming cross eyed I am so sleepy. It is 4:23 am, I have insomnia and it is horrible, but when the sleep falls down on me it hits me hard. Soooooo night night!!

Being single

Can I really complain about being single when I am doing absolutely nothing to change the situation?  I haven’t dated since my boyfriend passed away April of 2011 and I guess I didn’t want to disrespect his memory, but I feel it’s time to get back out there.  So much has changed in my life this past year. I lost my job of 15 years with Duke Energy, due to illness, I had to move in with my parents and on top of that I tore my right knee acl.  Now tell me what man is going to dig a chick with all that and a limp.  It is really frustrating to see women my age successful, independent, and able to rock a pair of high heels and have to compete with that.  It is a losing battle. Don’t get me wrong I have been told I am attractive but, that only goes so far. Yes, I am intelligent, humorous, outgoing, giving, motivated, etc, but if I am slow moving, sometimes with a cane, will there be a guy to look past that to get to know all of my amazing attributes..lol.  I think that is why before my previous boyfriend I hadn’t dated in 4 years, fear of rejection for being sick. But, you know what fuck that (excuse my french) I am who I am and I have lupus.  I am also beautiful, wonderful, loving, giving, nurturing and most importantly I am ready and the man that is fortunate to call me his is a very lucky man.

Happyness

For some reason my past has been on my mind alot lately.  I will admit recently I did see an ex of mine in the mall and literally hid so that he wouldn’t see me.  So immature but, it’s what I felt I had to do.  I am so uncomfortable with myself these days that I literally don’t want to be seen.  I stay in as much as possible and only go out when absolutely necessary.  So obviously no dating or social life at all.  But, even though I have always seen myself married, I have no desire to date or go through the whole dating process. At 38, I guess I have given up on meeting a man that I will call my husband.  I look around and women my age are independent, career minded, financially secure, focused and established.  I, on the other hand am not independent nor am I career minded or established.  I am however very focused and on my way to being financially independent.  But, one thing remains, a chronic illness called lupus.  For the most part most men aren’t jumping at a chance to date a women with an illness that drains her of her energy and more so than not needs help getting around.  I just don’t want to compete with what’s out there, it’s a losing battle.  I can’t tell you the last time I wore heels or a dress.  Dressing up for me is a pair of slacks and a loose fitting blouse and crocs, yes crocs, along with lupus I suffer from a number of other medical problems and unfortunately my ankles swell and only crocs can accommodate the swelling, sexy right. Honestly, I have accepted that this is my life and the thing is I am alone but, I am not lonely and that is a blessing.  I have family around me and family far away that let me know they are there for me always.  Does it bother me that the majority of everyone I went to high school and college with are married with children…it used to but, their lives are theirs and not mine to have, at least not now.  I used to think that happiness was gadged on whether or not you married well and the number of kids you have.  That changed for me when I was in a hospital and got test results negative for colon cancer, now that is happyness!!!  Being ill has made me look and approach life in a different way.  What I need to feel complete is extremely different from what I thought 10 years ago.  I used to always say a prayer for my husband wherever he may be at that time in his life and pray that our paths were closer to crossing.  I don’t say that any longer, me, Erika, is in my prayers, my health and well being, remaining positive despite what can and will be thrown at me and the pain I have to endure.  God knows the desires of my heart, I will work on me and be the best me that I can and I truly believe everything else that is meant to be will be.