I am not even going to lie, as I lay here in pain from lupus and a throbbing headache. I scroll through IG and see all of the couples celebrating Valentines and I so desire to be in love. With my recent more serious health battles I wonder if I will ever experience love at all. Will I ever hear the words, I love you from a man that truly does. Or will I be asked the question that most women dream of, will you make me the happiest man alive and be my wife? I’ve always wondered what a woman does to get a man to fall that deeply in love with her. Because I’ve never been able to do it. I have a girlfriend that is on her 3rd marriage and in my mind she has gotten 3 men to go to a jewelry store with her in mind and pick out a ring to ask that question. How did she do this? Granted the first 2 didn’t last but that isn’t my point at the moment. I hope it’s in my future, it’s not that I feel as though I don’t have as much time because of my condition but, it’s like my time is running out because of my age. I believe I will be healed in the name of Jesus. I have been reading scriptures that have opened my eyes magnificently to this fact and I will hold fast to this belief. My health far outweighs falling in love and that is my focus, my thought is when put in a situation as in bad health you begin to think of everything that you never accomplished or things that you desired and never obtained. It’s almost as if it maybe to late but, that is the devil trying to tell you that your end is near and accept it and I won’t do that. I won’t allow him to gain entrance into my mind and convince me otherwise. I’m here and I’m here to stay, if I fall in love or not, I’m going to here to live a long and full life. He’s not done with me yet. I haven’t gotten a chance to live out the second part or the best part of my life. I have so much to see and so much to do and accomplish, it’s simply not over yet. He said that every cell, tissue, organ,and system in my body, as well as every thought in my mind and heart lines up with Isaiah 53:5 “by Jesus’ stripes I am healed. I don’t judge how well I am, by the sight of my eyes or by the feelings in my body, “For I walk by faith, not by sight” II Corinthians 5:7. This is what I hold onto and this is what will be my strength to pull me through this. He is with me during this battle and he will never leave my side. So for this reason He is my Valentine, I need or want no other, he has shown me love, devotion, stability, empathy, sympathy, compassion, a shoulder to cry on, and simply been there when I didn’t even realize I needed Him to be. God is LOVE. AMEN.
I am patiently waiting for my soulmate to come my way and honestly I am thinking that maybe I may not have one. I am 40 now and by now I thought that I would be married and settled into my life as a wife and step mom. I have tried online dating off and on for over 10 years with no luck. I recently started again and emailed a gentleman for a few days and then we had our first and only conversation. It was great, so I thought, and I never heard from him again. This seems to be what happens to me, I am obviously doing something wrong and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The guy even texted me the next morning to tell me how much he enjoyed our conversation and then nothing. This, in my opinion is God telling me, a relationship is not for me right now. This is so hard for me to accept because I so deeply want to fall in love and be in love. I recently came across a saying that in a nutshell, states that when something you think rejected you is actually making room for something better to enter your life. I try to read this and believe it but a part of me just can’t, there have been so many rejections with nothing better entering afterwards. It seems I have disappointment after disappointment in reference to dating. I truly love having my own home and I am proud of myself for this accomplishment but I hate hate hate living alone. It really sucks for me. I am not sure if it’s because of me having lupus and not being able to get out a lot, so to have someone here that I can interact with on a daily basis is a huge bonus. If I were given an opportunity to marry at first sight, this is a new show, I would sign up so fast and just hope for the best. I am also open to having a roommate but it would have to be a long time friend or a family member, male or female. I hear some people say that they are alone but they are not lonely, well I am both. Having lupus, getting sick and struggling with a chronic illness that has me in pain 99% of the time while I’m alone, in my opinion, makes my pain worse. I need comforting, I need physical contact, hugs, kisses, things that aren’t possible over the phone. This may sound baby-ish but hey, it’s me and it’s what I need. I know a roommate will most probably NOT do this but just having a body near me is also comforting. I don’t think I am asking for a lot or am I? The loneliest feeling is when I have a lupus flare at night and I am crying out and praying out to God to take the pain away and there is no one to hear me. I feel so incredibly alone. If I flare during the day I can at least call someone to get comforted but who is up at 2am or 4am to have a conversation to comfort someone. My parents are still there for me, telling me to come over whenever or they will offer to come get me, their home is comforting in itself and of course my parents are the best medicine ever. I am figuring it out, slowly but surely. I feel as though I will never get completely comfortable in this house. Mostly due to my illness and simply not wanting to be alone when I am in pain. I pray that God leads me to my husband so I won’t have to be alone any longer. I don’t even have to be 100% attracted to him, but he must be good to me, be a hard worker, and a very supportive person. I believe everything else will fall into place. A good friend and romance will come in time. I even get arranged marriages at this point, it’s your family and his finding the best person for you, that is awesome, unless either person is in love with someone else. I am hoping soon future posts will include me dating and my life steering towards a future with someone special. I guess I can always hope for that. I have no clue what God’s plan is for me. I will just continue to live and love and be around my friends and exude positivity and hope that he is drawn to me and my storybook romance can begin.
The more I live my life, the more I know I need a change. I had given up on children and marriage and felt that lupus would be my companion for the remainder of my days. But, you know, I don’t think so. I am not depriving myself what I know my heart desires and that is it. For health reasons, babies are not an option, but a husband, last time I checked, is definately still an option. I have dated since my diagnosis, but not recently with the worsening of my lupus. I am not as active but, I am far from dead..I hope. There is a problem, I don’t go anywhere so unless he is going to show up on my doorstep we aren’t ever going to meet. I have to put down my fear of going out and having people see me limp or use a cane. These are my issues that need to be dealt with. I am heading in the right direction, but it takes time and if you haven’t figured out, I am literally an extremely slow mover.