For the first time in forever being in a relationship is nowhere on my radar. I have no idea why or when it happened to change but, this is where I am right now.  I have had some major changes in my illness over the past few months and my sister had a serious health event as well, this might explain exactly why.  Due to my illness I have gained quite a bit of weight and my self confidence is nowhere to be found and 100% of my time has gone to helping my sister when I am able. I am terrified of living alone one day and I am coming to the realization that this just maybe my future. I will probably turn into a night owl and sleep all day because I will be to scared to sleep at night by myself.  I already suffer from insomnia so that helps…lol  I have never seen myself single in my future and for the first time I am and it’s kinda scary but, not terrifying. I can’t see myself getting married at 50 or 60, so now that I am 41, and my health declining, it’s not on my priority list at all. I want to be healthy and at a healthy weight and able to walk without my ankles swelling like tree trunks. I don’t want to have to go for infusions monthly and have blood drawn every 2weeks. I also know all of this has to be done to get me better. I am tired more than usual and swollen more than normal, sweaty, hot, uncomfortable all of the time. I barely can get into a tee shirt and sweats to go out for health related issues so to think about getting dolled up for anything else is not likely.  And honestly, I don’t want to anymore. I feel as though there is no one out there for me. With all that I go through and have to deal with there is no man in his right mind that would want to take this on and I don’t blame him. I have a lot of baggage and the older I get the worse it seems to get. I just hope I can be okay with being alone and not be lonely that is my biggest obstacle to overcome. I don’t want to ever feel lonely.