Having a conversation with my sister and mom the other day and as always we talked about a variety of topics, I then let them know about my menopause and they were shocked but at this point nothing really catches them way off guard when it comes to me and my medical issues. They are both very supportive with whatever I need at this point and that feels very good. When I told my dad he responded by saying, yeah I think that is what your moms went through a few years back, you are kind of young aren’t you? I told him it can happen to women in their 20’s. He was silent for a moment, yeah so do you have to have surgery for it. I was a little confused so I asked what he meant by surgery, he said to remove it. It? At this point I am cracking up with laughter, I told him it wasn’t a hysterectomy it was menopause and then as I thought about it, my mom had had a hysterectomy years back and he was confusing the two. So I explained that menopause is a women’s body doing the natural part that it is suppose to do at a certain point in her life. He understood and then we went on to talk about politics as usual…lol. I love my dad. Getting back to the conversation with my sister and mom, the topic of being moody came up in talking about their spouses. My dad is very moody and you never quite know who you may get on any given day. He could be so happy and jovial or very quiet and almost as if you have personally done something to upset him and he’s mad at you. I, unfortunately, am the exact same way. I have been this way since I can remember but, now from lupus and being on several meds that alter my moods dramatically, it has gotten worse. My sister made a comment that I was crazy, this offended me greatly. I don’t believe to be moody makes you crazy in all instances. I am also aware that my moodiness will make it extremely difficult if the time comes for me to connect with a man. I am a lot to take and I understand this. I think this is another reason why I have accepted being alone for my life. I am not sad about this but it concerns me because I do want to connect with people and not drive them away with the way that I act towards them at times. I can be so mean and cruel to my mom and sister specifically and then as soon as the remarks come out of my mouth I regret them. I go to apologize but I’ve done this so often it means nothing to them and they don’t believe me. They do accept it and tell me I need to work on this particular problem but I haven’t. I know my family accepts my apology but will someone that can simply walk away and doesn’t have to stay do the same. I doubt it. I have to figure out how to think before I speak. I am a sarcastic person as well and I will make remarks towards a stranger or a friend if I feel it’s a clever thing to say. This may insult someone or even offend them but it’s how I am. I have worked on this and I no longer have a loose tongue with those I do not know. Friends are still not off limits but, I don’t see them often enough these days to even attempt to have a conversation let alone be sarcastic. When I think of crazy, I think of slitting someone’s tires or keying their car not having an attitude for no reason whatsoever. This is also what terrifies me and lets me know I am not ready for a relationship. I never know what mood I will be in from one minute to the next and this is no way to ensure that I will have a healthy relationship when I act this way. I must address this problem before I try my hand at a relationship. I am ok with being single for the rest of my life but I would love companionship even if it never leads to marriage. Someone that I can talk to and confide in and that I know cares about my wellbeing and has my back, I guess that is a spouse, but not necessarily. I do miss dating and putting on my pretty face to go out and be a lady and sexy. I do miss that part of my life. It’s hard because right now, everyday I feel as though I have bricks tied to my ankles, my legs are so heavy with every step I take and the achiness is unimaginable on so many levels. I hate to talk about it because it seems I am just tying to garnish sympathy when fact it is just how I feel day to day and it’s my truth. When I am asked how I am feeling I just say ok, it’s easier and I don’t feel as though I’m begging for sympathy. So am I moody or crazy? Honestly, I think I’m a little of both. I will not take the time to follow you around town, or go through your emails, or your text messages. But I will ask questions if I feel as though what you have told me doesn’t add up. I can’t promise that I won’t say something smart or sarcastic from time to time if you leave an opening for me to do so. I am croody, my new term combining the two. Yep, that is me.
Well what is going on with me “today”??? Besides being exhausted, having body aches, nausea, dizziness, insomnia, headaches, depression, a limp, rashes all over, and a moon face, really nothing. I’ve been having more conversations with myself about my future and what I expect of myself within the next few years. I will be 40 in two years and the two years leading up are going to be memorable. I am tired of just existing….it’s time to be living. That may be my new motto. Life is too short to not leave the house for weeks. Even if I am in pain, I will fight through and with my sunblock, let the sun shine on my face, but only for 10 minutes because I may flare. I tell you it’s always something with me and Lupus. My lupus flares are sparked by sunlight, exertion, stress, and simply doing nothing in some cases. My current medicine regiment has pretty much been the same for 10 years, with the exception of a few changes here and there. In total, I take 8 pills in the morning and 9 at night and insulin once a day. I am finding out different side affects on a sometime daily basis. I am looking to get into a support group for lupus, why it’s taken me this long I really don’t know but the important thing is that I am ready now. It is a scary thought to open up to strangers about something that I consider extremely personal, but I am aware that talking and listening begins the possibility of teaching and learning. Ummmmm another possible motto. Love.