Moo It’s been awhile since I have been in here and I really don’t think anyone follows me, but it is therapeutic to write down what I’m going through. I didn’t look at my last post to see what it was about, so this would be a continuation. So I will just start. My kidneys have been up and down as far as function % goes and for now I’m in stage 4 renal failure. Talks of dialysis is still on the table,but thankfully I don’t need it as of now. My doctors also found tumors on my stomach called carcinoid tumors and they were malignant stage 1 cancer. The prognosis is nearly 100% in all patients so my doctor removed the three with no problem. About a month ago he went back to make sure he had gotten them all and unfortunately found two more and removed them successfully as well. I will have to have a repeat surgery in 6 months to check for recurrence. In addition to this, I pave had warts on my backside for about 3 months and I was told because my higher dose of steroids it would not heal and I just had to deal with it. Well, the steroids went down and the warts didn’t get better. I went to a dermatologist and he froze the area and was planning on doing several rounds of freezing over several months. When I returned after a month for the second freezing I told him the area was no better and it was actually worse than before the freezing. At that point he suggested that the best bet would be to just have it removed, it’s a cluster of warts. So he referred me to a colorectal surgeon to get his opinion and he advised me that th needed to be removed and tested. Unfortunately, the hospital he is affiliated with isn’t in my network for my insurance so he couldn’t do,it. He then referred me to a general surgeon and he is going to perform the surgery in about a week or so, I will finally have this issue taken care of. It’s so weird that it seems like every part of my body has something wrong with it. Lupus affects my joints and my skin, I where issues with my scalp, my ears, my hands, my feet and ankles, my stomach, my vajj, and now my butt. It sucks to hurt literally everywhere. Also on top of that I had an argument with my sister and I have learned from talking to my bible study mentor that we are sisters and the bottom line is we love each other. We will argue we will yell and we will shout but we love each other and I had forgotten about that. I will be seeing her this weekend. I’ve also been staying with my parents for awhile. This hasn’t set well with my sister but the truth is I feel more comfortable here especially when I’m sick. My mom also prefers for me to be here because she doesn’t want to have to come back and forth from her house and my house to help me. And I have company when I am at home I’m alone and I don’t even have my dog because I can’t take care of him properly. I’ve asked my mom if she’s ready for me to go or if I’ve over stayed my welcome. She says I’m her child and there is no way I could over stay anything, I’m always welcome here. I love my mom. My lupus has been ok, I think it’s pretty stable and it’s time for my re evaluation for disability and I got a call that based on the information thus far they couldn’t determine if I was still disabled. So I went to see their psychiatrist for a evaluation, I. Not sure if it helped or not but I also had my PCP do a physical so I’m hoping this will help me. If,they deny me my lawyer will step in to assist me once again. It’s scary becaus I have bought a home and all of the bills that come along with that. So I depend on my disability to keep my independence. I know with all of my heart I couldn’t hold down a job working a typical 8hr day 5days a weEk. I would need the company to make several exceptions for me during my shift and this is actually what lead me to getting fired from my last job. 15 years I gave to that place and fired because of something I can’t control. I’m sleepy people night.
The past 2 months or so take me back to when I was initially going through trying to find out what was wrong with me about 20 years ago. Hospitals, tests, doctors. It was so scary and this has been no different. I’m not sure what your religious beliefs are but I am a Christian and I believe that God has already healed, He has already promised me this. My kidneys were at 11% and my docs told me they would not bounce back any higher, yet they are now 22%. This gives me faith that they will bounce up even higher. My sister thinks I will not only not need a transplant but won’t need dialysis. Her faith and belief in His word is so strong that she is claiming this miracle for me. I have started a FB page dedicated to my battle with lupus and my day to day struggles. The outpouring of love that I have received is overwhelming. My HS classmates have shocked me especially, they have gone as far as offering to be tested as a match if I do need a kidney. I have gotten numerous cards from them and the special thing is they have written notes specifically to me inside the card, which makes it so personal and shows they took,the extra time and thoughtfulness for me.
I have felt so alone lately and for the first time I feel loved and I feel as though I have friends that love and support me. I am having my first visitor tomorrow and she is a HS girlfriend visiting on business. I am so nervous that actually as I type have butterflies in my stomach, it is so weird to feel this way about a visit but, I haven’t seen her since HS. I have only had visitors when they are surprises so I’m not prepared and don’t have time to anticipate. I’m going to try not to talk myself out of it but I’m so scared. When will I get over this fear?
I’m sitting here at 11:43pm waiting on my pain meds to kick in and watching John Wick, if you haven’t seen it and are a fan of action and a lot of guns plus Keanu Reeves look it up. I’ve always wondered why my meds kick in immediately sometimes and sometimes they just don’t. I guess my body maybe at a different balance or level of something that causes the meds to not absorb as quickly every single time. I wish I knew what it was so I could have everything in a line when it’s time to take them. I am having a surprise bridal shower for a friend on Saturday and I’m kind of excited because I haven’t seen my friends in awhile, one in particular in probably 6 or 7 years. I consider her one of my closest girlfriends but we just don’t see each other or really talk that often but, if I were to call her and need something she would be here for me in a heartbeat. I need advice on something, I may have mentioned in a previous post. Since becoming sick with lupus I have alienated myself from all of my friends. When I am sick or in the hospital none of them knows and therefore can’t visit. Now that I’m spending more time in the hospital and undergoing treatments I would like visitors. Should I ask them to visit me or call them when I’m in the hospital to let them know and then let them decide whether or not they will visit? I’m lost because I don’t want to come off as needy or begging but, I miss them and seeing them when I’m sick will lift my spirits. I’ve gone without them for so long and granted this is my doing and I want to reverse this. My mom told me if I make myself more present and frequent in their lives they will notice if they haven’t heard from me and therefore know something must be wrong. This makes sense. I also am going to tell them that I would like to start getting together at least once a month if their schedules allow. I’m really not a phone talker but to text frequently wouldn’t be an issue either. My health is so unpredictable and I never know from minute to minute how I’m going to feel, I cancel a lot and this is the most frustrating part of lupus. I have so many plans in my head and at times I can’t execute them. I will be constantly apologizing to them I am sure but,,I will do my best to push myself if plans have been made. I told myself even if I am flaring with a fever on Saturday, I am not cancelling this get together, I will just get medicated up wrapped in my favorite robe and be amongst the party. It actually seems that when I’m with someone talking and focusing on something else I deal with the flare a lot better. I guess this makes sense because your mind is on something else and not the pain. When alone all you think about is the pain you are in. Case in point, right now, alone and all I can think about is this pain. The typing is helping slightly but, not really. I wish I could call my mom but it’s to late and she has an early appointment before we go out to get everything for my party tomorrow. She came over here today and completely cleaned my bathroom for me. She has dusted my furniture and cleaned my carpet and vacuumed. She’s also going to help me clean off my counters in my kitchen. I would think my sister would help me but, she’s busy with school and just life in general. I wanted to clean out my fridge because it is so unorganized, just in case my guests go in to get something but, I’ve decided to have an ice chest out with the drinks in it so there will be no need to go in the fridge at all. I am having sushi, cocktail shrimp, meatballs, chicken wings, pasta salad, a vegetable tray and cake with ice cream. Along with soda, water, wine and the brides favorite drink, Jack Daniels and 7UP. It should be fun, it’s a small group just 4 of us and we had a bet many years ago that Frances, the bride, should be married by a certain year and if her boyfriend at the time didn’t propose she should move on. I’m not sure if she signed the agreement or not but, I think she did. Needless to say it was well past the date on the paper that they finally got married. I’m sure the year was more than 10 years ago on the paper. This is hilarious to me and it will be brought up for sure. My fingers are cramping so I must stop or now. Be blessed.
As I get older I fear losing her every day. I dread the day I may get a call that something has happened to her, maybe not necessarily death but just that she has been injured in anyway. I received a call from my dad over the summer that he had been in a car accident and simply him being able to make the call assured me it wasn’t that serious. The only loss was his 1992 Honda Accord that he cherished and still mentions to this day. I depend on both of my parents due to my limited physical ability because of lupus. My dad does more of the footwork for me but when I’m ill the only thing that gets me through it is my mom. I haven’t figured out a way to mend myself without hearing her voice. I am wanting her to record her voice comforting me and I keep putting it off but I will no longer do this, because we never know what tomorrow holds for any of us. I want to do so many things with her but I barely have energy to do the basic things for myself. I love just taking advantage of rides to my doctors appointments with either one of my parents just to have that one on one time with them. I always ask my mom to take me places for that additional time together as well. She always seems to have an excuse that she has to get out very early and this is a problem for me so it never seems to work out. I guess if I were honest and tell her I just want to spend time with her it would make a difference but, I just don’t. My dad is flexible I can call him at noon and ask him to take me somewhere at 2 and he is ready. My sister is way more independent than I am and has been since she was 18. Angie couldn’t wait to get out of the house and I tried to stay and then come back as often as possible thereafter. We are so different but she is my best friend in the world. We made up a secret handshake today, it’s so cheesy but it’s really cute and just seemed right for a 41 and 47 a year old to do…lol. I think about death often, I am not sure if it’s because I fear it or I just know I’m closer to experiencing it the older I get. It’s 2016 and I want to embrace life and let go of fear. With the terrorism we have faced as a country and in our world I have stopped doing a lot of things I never second guessed before. I don’t go to libraries because of the access of the building to anyone wanting to cause harm, I never started going to bible study for obvious reasons, and also no movies for me until they are released and I can watch them in the safety of my own home. I have let fear dictate a lot of what I don’t do and I’ve been ok with it but I’m bored, I’m sad that this is how my life is at this moment. I’m not satisfied anymore, I’ve been content living this way but no longer and my mom and how she continues to live her life is my motivation. My mom goes where she wants when she wants and fear isn’t a factor. I truly admire that in her. Yes, there are others that also have not let fear stop them from living and experiencing things but my mom has always been the woman I look to for direction and I’ve admired her my entire life. She would absolutely not like me writing this about her because she is a very private person and feels you don’t make certain things public, it’s not necessary. She doesn’t understand FB or any social media sites in which you share thoughts or photos with people you rarely know, it’s vey strange to her. At one point she didn’t want her picture on my social media period but, she has kind of given in to that a bit as long as she approves the picture first…lol. She and my dad also step in as good grandparents to Reece, my 19 month old Shih Tzu puppy when I need help while I’m sick. I must say my parents are the best in every way. Obviously there are somethings that we argue about and disagree on but at the end of the day you choose what is important over what’s not. My mom, my love, my friend. The woman that taught me how to be a lady, how to be proper, how to carry myself accordingly, how to enter a room with dignity, how to respect everyone and never not demand it in return. My mom is my sHERO.
Having a conversation with my sister and mom the other day and as always we talked about a variety of topics, I then let them know about my menopause and they were shocked but at this point nothing really catches them way off guard when it comes to me and my medical issues. They are both very supportive with whatever I need at this point and that feels very good. When I told my dad he responded by saying, yeah I think that is what your moms went through a few years back, you are kind of young aren’t you? I told him it can happen to women in their 20’s. He was silent for a moment, yeah so do you have to have surgery for it. I was a little confused so I asked what he meant by surgery, he said to remove it. It? At this point I am cracking up with laughter, I told him it wasn’t a hysterectomy it was menopause and then as I thought about it, my mom had had a hysterectomy years back and he was confusing the two. So I explained that menopause is a women’s body doing the natural part that it is suppose to do at a certain point in her life. He understood and then we went on to talk about politics as usual…lol. I love my dad. Getting back to the conversation with my sister and mom, the topic of being moody came up in talking about their spouses. My dad is very moody and you never quite know who you may get on any given day. He could be so happy and jovial or very quiet and almost as if you have personally done something to upset him and he’s mad at you. I, unfortunately, am the exact same way. I have been this way since I can remember but, now from lupus and being on several meds that alter my moods dramatically, it has gotten worse. My sister made a comment that I was crazy, this offended me greatly. I don’t believe to be moody makes you crazy in all instances. I am also aware that my moodiness will make it extremely difficult if the time comes for me to connect with a man. I am a lot to take and I understand this. I think this is another reason why I have accepted being alone for my life. I am not sad about this but it concerns me because I do want to connect with people and not drive them away with the way that I act towards them at times. I can be so mean and cruel to my mom and sister specifically and then as soon as the remarks come out of my mouth I regret them. I go to apologize but I’ve done this so often it means nothing to them and they don’t believe me. They do accept it and tell me I need to work on this particular problem but I haven’t. I know my family accepts my apology but will someone that can simply walk away and doesn’t have to stay do the same. I doubt it. I have to figure out how to think before I speak. I am a sarcastic person as well and I will make remarks towards a stranger or a friend if I feel it’s a clever thing to say. This may insult someone or even offend them but it’s how I am. I have worked on this and I no longer have a loose tongue with those I do not know. Friends are still not off limits but, I don’t see them often enough these days to even attempt to have a conversation let alone be sarcastic. When I think of crazy, I think of slitting someone’s tires or keying their car not having an attitude for no reason whatsoever. This is also what terrifies me and lets me know I am not ready for a relationship. I never know what mood I will be in from one minute to the next and this is no way to ensure that I will have a healthy relationship when I act this way. I must address this problem before I try my hand at a relationship. I am ok with being single for the rest of my life but I would love companionship even if it never leads to marriage. Someone that I can talk to and confide in and that I know cares about my wellbeing and has my back, I guess that is a spouse, but not necessarily. I do miss dating and putting on my pretty face to go out and be a lady and sexy. I do miss that part of my life. It’s hard because right now, everyday I feel as though I have bricks tied to my ankles, my legs are so heavy with every step I take and the achiness is unimaginable on so many levels. I hate to talk about it because it seems I am just tying to garnish sympathy when fact it is just how I feel day to day and it’s my truth. When I am asked how I am feeling I just say ok, it’s easier and I don’t feel as though I’m begging for sympathy. So am I moody or crazy? Honestly, I think I’m a little of both. I will not take the time to follow you around town, or go through your emails, or your text messages. But I will ask questions if I feel as though what you have told me doesn’t add up. I can’t promise that I won’t say something smart or sarcastic from time to time if you leave an opening for me to do so. I am croody, my new term combining the two. Yep, that is me.
It’s times like this that I wish I had a man in my life that was there for me whenever I needed him. I say this because I have been up all night and I wish I had someone to talk me through the pain. I have my parents but they like everyone else that is normal is asleep at 3:23am. My sister also is sleeping peacefully as she has to go to work in the morning. I would hope that if I did have a man in my life he too would be sleeping because of his six figure job he had to report to but, would wake up at the drop of a hat if I called. Insomnia has been a bigger issue for me lately because of my chemo treatments for my kidneys. It’s something that I know I have to go through and insomnia, on the big scheme of things is a mild side effect that will eventually go away. Well, it actually may not because it’s also a side effect of several meds that I am on but, hasn’t effected me as frequently as the cytoxan infusions has caused. On another note, I was playing phone tag with a therapist that my PCP referred me to and I gave up. It’s been about s week so I’m going to try again this week. I hate to beat a dead horse and because of my brain fog from lupus I can’t remember if I mentioned this in previous posts. As I type this I haven’t titled it yet because I do believe I am all over the place, which is nothing new. I love to write and I have been told by a journalist that I truly have skills but I have no knowledge of structure in how to properly write, I’m not sure if that is even the proper wording. I have always thought that writing is my passion but, in dealing with lupus it is a chore more than something I enjoy and look forward to. I was writing a book loosely based on my life years ago and it was really good. I had portions written and portions on disk, yes, a floppy disk. That shows how long ago it was. I have no idea where it is, but I truly believe if I thought long enough I could get it back and make it even better now that I have been through so much more in my life. I recently started a second book that is completely fiction, I had it all over, in notebooks my phone and computer, well something happened with my phone and I lost a huge portion of the story. It was so new in my head that it’s not possible for me to remember what I’ve lost. If I wanted to continue this story I would have to basically start over. Even if I were to complete a book, I have no idea what to do with it. Would I have to put out money in order to possibly make money? I have no idea. I recently read a book written by Jen Arnold and Bill Klein of The Little Couple, a TV show on TLC. Because of her career as a doctor and his background as a business man I expected a lot more. I could have written this book. The story, which was of their lives individually as kids growing up was fascinating but the way it was told was very underwhelming and disappointing. I assume because of their popularity it is a best seller. I was also surprised to find out that it was co written by a well knowN publishing company. I think if people would want to read about their lives why not mine, but I don’t have a reality show. I am an unknown person to the public. I would have to have some sort of marketing strategy to become relevant. I am currently only getting disability and it’s extremely hard to live off of, my sister and her husband live with me at the moment and pay me rent and that is what is sustaining me. Once they move out, it will be extremely tight. I do have good days but not enough that any company would feel confident in hiring me. I am not consistent and not reliable. This is so hard for me to admit but having lupus makes it that way. On many occasions I have cancelled on family and friends because of an unexpected flare of lupus. Family understands and unfortunately not all friends do and I have lost some because of it. One friend in particular, who meant a lot to me, in my opinion, criticized me at an extremely low time in my life. I do think in her mind she was encouraging me but her words cut me where I was already wounded and I have never healed from it and she has never contacted me again. I always thought there was hope for our relationship but earlier this summer my sister and I were both in the hospital and she visited my sister and not me. I can’t tell you how badly I was hurt, my sister told me that she didn’t visit me because she didn’t know where we stood or what to say. From my perspective a hug would have been a good start and we could have gone from there. I guess I expect people to do what I would do and there is no way I would not have not visited her had she been in the hospital. I do miss her but I do feel this friendship is over, we had been friends since we were 13 years old and I am now 41 and she will be October 11. She is honestly the only friendship I’ve lost, not that I had so many friends to begin with but, despite becoming a hermit and losing my social butterfly status, they have kept in contact with me, encouraging me with cards, text messages, emails. They have never given up on me and have chosen to let me take the lead and meet me where I am instead of wanting me to be where they are. They have stopped inviting me out because I would always cancel and I must admit it wasn’t because I was ill on all occasions. I became comfortable with staying at home. I even became fearful of going out so I stopped, I feared the way people would look at me and was so insecure about my weight gain and the fullness of my face due to the steroids. Dinner, movies, parties were all a no go for me, these things became a chore for me to do instead of a pleasure. This is where I presently am in my life. I know I have friends that love me and they have tried to sneak through my sister to get me out of the house but, she knew it could have negative effect on me and discouraged them and they understood. I keep all of their cards and notes that they have written as encouragement but, I’m still in this place of wanting to be in isolation. My life is relatively sad and it should not be. I think I have written about the therapist in a previous post, I am so sorry that I repeat myself on many occasions but it’s the brain fog and it’s not just in my writing entries it’s in life as well. I now know what the title will be for this entry. It’s now 4:28am and I have so many ideas running through my head about a book it’s crazy. I need to take advantage of this creativity. Thanks and be blessed.
For the first time in forever being in a relationship is nowhere on my radar. I have no idea why or when it happened to change but, this is where I am right now. I have had some major changes in my illness over the past few months and my sister had a serious health event as well, this might explain exactly why. Due to my illness I have gained quite a bit of weight and my self confidence is nowhere to be found and 100% of my time has gone to helping my sister when I am able. I am terrified of living alone one day and I am coming to the realization that this just maybe my future. I will probably turn into a night owl and sleep all day because I will be to scared to sleep at night by myself. I already suffer from insomnia so that helps…lol I have never seen myself single in my future and for the first time I am and it’s kinda scary but, not terrifying. I can’t see myself getting married at 50 or 60, so now that I am 41, and my health declining, it’s not on my priority list at all. I want to be healthy and at a healthy weight and able to walk without my ankles swelling like tree trunks. I don’t want to have to go for infusions monthly and have blood drawn every 2weeks. I also know all of this has to be done to get me better. I am tired more than usual and swollen more than normal, sweaty, hot, uncomfortable all of the time. I barely can get into a tee shirt and sweats to go out for health related issues so to think about getting dolled up for anything else is not likely. And honestly, I don’t want to anymore. I feel as though there is no one out there for me. With all that I go through and have to deal with there is no man in his right mind that would want to take this on and I don’t blame him. I have a lot of baggage and the older I get the worse it seems to get. I just hope I can be okay with being alone and not be lonely that is my biggest obstacle to overcome. I don’t want to ever feel lonely.
I will be 41 on Thursday, a little scary but, it is a fact. I have decided to live my life the way God has intended me to. I want to be happy and love myself no matter my size, circumstance, lupus activity, flare or not. It has been hard to stay in love with myself going through what I do with lupus and handling how it negatively alters my relationship with myself. I am currently going through a flare involving my kidneys and a flare up of my bronchitis that unfortunately because of the increase in my steroids will be more difficult to heal from. So it takes patience. I was so excited about therapy and now I just want to feel my normal. I’m so tired of being sick and then getting sicker. Changes need to be made sooner than later and its up to me to make them.
I am patiently waiting for my soulmate to come my way and honestly I am thinking that maybe I may not have one. I am 40 now and by now I thought that I would be married and settled into my life as a wife and step mom. I have tried online dating off and on for over 10 years with no luck. I recently started again and emailed a gentleman for a few days and then we had our first and only conversation. It was great, so I thought, and I never heard from him again. This seems to be what happens to me, I am obviously doing something wrong and I can’t for the life of me figure out what it is. The guy even texted me the next morning to tell me how much he enjoyed our conversation and then nothing. This, in my opinion is God telling me, a relationship is not for me right now. This is so hard for me to accept because I so deeply want to fall in love and be in love. I recently came across a saying that in a nutshell, states that when something you think rejected you is actually making room for something better to enter your life. I try to read this and believe it but a part of me just can’t, there have been so many rejections with nothing better entering afterwards. It seems I have disappointment after disappointment in reference to dating. I truly love having my own home and I am proud of myself for this accomplishment but I hate hate hate living alone. It really sucks for me. I am not sure if it’s because of me having lupus and not being able to get out a lot, so to have someone here that I can interact with on a daily basis is a huge bonus. If I were given an opportunity to marry at first sight, this is a new show, I would sign up so fast and just hope for the best. I am also open to having a roommate but it would have to be a long time friend or a family member, male or female. I hear some people say that they are alone but they are not lonely, well I am both. Having lupus, getting sick and struggling with a chronic illness that has me in pain 99% of the time while I’m alone, in my opinion, makes my pain worse. I need comforting, I need physical contact, hugs, kisses, things that aren’t possible over the phone. This may sound baby-ish but hey, it’s me and it’s what I need. I know a roommate will most probably NOT do this but just having a body near me is also comforting. I don’t think I am asking for a lot or am I? The loneliest feeling is when I have a lupus flare at night and I am crying out and praying out to God to take the pain away and there is no one to hear me. I feel so incredibly alone. If I flare during the day I can at least call someone to get comforted but who is up at 2am or 4am to have a conversation to comfort someone. My parents are still there for me, telling me to come over whenever or they will offer to come get me, their home is comforting in itself and of course my parents are the best medicine ever. I am figuring it out, slowly but surely. I feel as though I will never get completely comfortable in this house. Mostly due to my illness and simply not wanting to be alone when I am in pain. I pray that God leads me to my husband so I won’t have to be alone any longer. I don’t even have to be 100% attracted to him, but he must be good to me, be a hard worker, and a very supportive person. I believe everything else will fall into place. A good friend and romance will come in time. I even get arranged marriages at this point, it’s your family and his finding the best person for you, that is awesome, unless either person is in love with someone else. I am hoping soon future posts will include me dating and my life steering towards a future with someone special. I guess I can always hope for that. I have no clue what God’s plan is for me. I will just continue to live and love and be around my friends and exude positivity and hope that he is drawn to me and my storybook romance can begin.
I haven’t had many relationships in my life. But I must say that the ones I have had have been to great guys. In high school, college, after college, and into adulthood. One thing that is the common denominator is me and my drama filled personality in all of the relationships. This most probably led to the demise of each one. With social media, Facebook, Instagram, I get to see how they have moved on and are all happily married. It saddens me to an extent that I have never had a man get on his knee and want to spend the rest of their life with me at 40 years old. I have friends that have been married 3x, what did they do to get 3 men to propose, when at this point I can’t pay a man to take me out. I am getting to a point to where I am over it. I know that my life is as a single woman with no children. It used to make me sad, but now it doesn’t and that is because I have accepted it. I go through a lot on a daily basis and to expect a man to fit into my life will be difficult. I am not an active person because of my health, I am sick a lot and this isn’t a person that men are lining up to be with. My looks have faded as I have gotten older so it is what it is. I am scarred all over my body from surgeries, procedures, picc lines, ivs, and side effects of medicines that make me bruise so easily it looks as though I am in a physical fight on a regular basis. This isn’t meant to be a sad or negative post. It is honest. I am beyond blessed with what I have in this life and I am content with that. I used to think that my life couldn’t be complete without a husband and kids to call my own. I now know that is not true. I see what my ex’s have and I wish them the best but, that is their life not mine. I see my classmates with husbands and children but once again their life not mine. God has given me so much more than I need and at one time it wasn’t enough because it wasn’t what I thought I needed. What I have is enough, more than enough and I am grateful. Yes, every single man that I have ever dated is married with children and that is fine for them and I hope they all are very happy. My life is my life and is for me. It took me a long time to get to this place but I am so glad and proud of myself that I am here now.