I will be 41 on Thursday, a little scary but, it is a fact. I have decided to live my life the way God has intended me to. I want to be happy and love myself no matter my size, circumstance, lupus activity, flare or not. It has been hard to stay in love with myself going through what I do with lupus and handling how it negatively alters my relationship with myself. I am currently going through a flare involving my kidneys and a flare up of my bronchitis that unfortunately because of the increase in my steroids will be more difficult to heal from. So it takes patience. I was so excited about therapy and now I just want to feel my normal. I’m so tired of being sick and then getting sicker. Changes need to be made sooner than later and its up to me to make them.
Everyday is different for me physically. All week I have felt no pain, no nausea, no dizziness, no nothing. Then last night I felt it, the aches and pains resurfaced, the feeling of being alone and no one knowing how it feels to have a chronic illness. It is a very lonely feeling and unless you are unfortunate to be afflicted you will never understand. I remember when I was first diagnosed, I would be told “You don’t look sick”,(youdontlooksick.com) WOW, I would think, that is so bold, but it was true, one day I seemed to be my old self and the next had aged maybe 40 years joint wise and that is hard to understand. That is lupus, it is unique and mysterious. Which makes it hard to manage. I will never forget after receiving my handicap placard, which made life alot easier for shopping trips by myself. There was an older woman that, as I got out of my car stated “You don’t look handicapped to me” I simply replied, “Thank you, doctor”. You gotta find humor from somewhere.